Know your Drugs, Know Your Doses.

Know your Drugs, Know your Doses:
A cautionary tale about all the chemicals inside your head.

 The morning often comes as a pointed reminder of existence. It's where the debts of yesterday come due and we've often got no choice to pay them. Sometimes, this isn't at all a bad thing. Perhaps you've had a productive yesterday, perhaps you've fallen asleep in the arms of a wife you've made happy, maybe you finished a paper and, though you're waking up dog tired and wrung out, you can at least put the feather of accomplishment in your hat. Sometimes you're waking up, cursing the myriad of things you decided to pour into your head as you go stumbling in the shower. Sometimes you swear up and down you'll never do what you did again. Sometimes you decide to tip the whiskey bottle into the brown sludge that is your morning coffee and start the whole day over again -- because it was just that good.

Whatever you've done with your yesterday, whatever you're going to do with your today or your tomorrow, you've got that moment to take stock of the balance on your account. How's it feel? Where are you headed? What was it in that moment of past that put you where you were? What is it about where you're going that makes it where you want to be? Why is it, exactly, that you white knuckled the glasses last night? What about those eyes you stared into made you willing to sit there for hours? Were you cramming in your words into the witching hours because the pains of procrastination had robbed you of the opportunity to do something you'd rather be doing? Be honest with that moment and God help you if you don't. That kind of lie is the thing that's going to haunt you for so long as you try and avoid it.

Maybe you've done that. Maybe you're a line-toting teetotaler,  or maybe you're some bare knuckled loon, sucking down every last drop of emotion you think you can get your hands on. Maybe still, and worse yet, you're the type who cares not for the edge, because you regard your head as a shell for your consciousness. Or maybe you're the kind of jeering peacock who thinks all their best traits only shine after you've gotten your hands on some kind of bright coloring for yourself. Maybe you're taking your drugs because you like the way they make you feel, or because it makes it easier to be "you". Whatever you are and wherever you fall on the spectrum, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that you're being real about what's going on inside your head.

It's here that I'd like to take a bit of a pause, to make something nice and clear, and avoid coming across to some of you like a slack-jawed hypocrite.

I have mad habits, which are hardly limited to the fact that I smoke cigarettes whilst listening to loud music, believe in being brutally honest, or drink Gin in foggy glasses, that I wouldn't advocate to most people. They're my vices, and I've studied them enough to know how to handle them.  I'm aware of my doses. I know my limits, and I know when I can push them. This is because I've sat down and been real with how far I can go, where my edge is, and what happens when I go over it. I know the dues I pay for the cigarettes I smoke. I know the tax I'm going to get for the drinks I pour. I know the creak and rattle that sometimes show up in my head are due to decisions  made long ago, where the fees are still pounding on the door like a bill collector who Sunlights as census taker.

In short, and to be somewhat titular, I know my Drugs, I know my Doses. I've taken the time to consider what I do and why I do it. I keep the car well maintained and tended so that, if the moment comes where I'm speeding toward an edge I do not want, the brakes still work and everybody gets to walk away with little more than an affirmation of life. I know why I take them, I know what I want to get out of them, and I'm completely uncompromising in my hold of the wheel. It's an important understanding when dealing with drugs, and it brings us to the point of what matters when you're looking at them.
 
What matters is the reasoning for your motivation. What's bringing you to dose yourself? What's making you not? Maybe you've walked away, maybe you picked up a shovel, dug a hole, and filled it with everything you could get your hands on. Maybe, in some vain hope of finding substance in the triviality, you've convinced yourself that this is the way forward. Maybe you're not interesting without it. Maybe it's the only way you can create, or function, or make it through the day. Maybe you've never touched drugs -- a fact which I very much doubt for reasons we'll get to in a moment --  It's the why of the drugs you take, and it's those drugs I want to get serious with for a moment.

I'd go out on a limb and assume that this is taken as some discussion about the various forms of alcohol, pills and other such unmentionables, and about how people use them. It's no secret that I drink, or that I've suffered the response to poor life choices and the staggering headache that is biting off more than you can chew. Nobody's here to deny or debate that Heroin is going to damage to your life, or that Marijuana's no less harmful than anything else you might choose. I'm not here to tell you that you should, or should not drink. I'm not going to advocate smoking, I'm not going to tell you to go hunting down whatever you're curious about either. This is your life, these are your choices. You're not being judged for these choice but they're not what we're talking about here either.

The way your face hurts from laughing too long at a moment when you just couldn't help yourself? That's a happiness hangover. That rush you of delight and world lifting joy you feel post orgasm? Drugs. That hopeless feeling you get when you're tasting a bitter spoonful of loss? That too, is a drug. It's a framed perspective on reality that, though it might not help you, might just give you a new way of looking at yourself. It's not every day we think about our emotions or our thoughts as drugs but, when you think about it, that's exactly what they are at the end of it all.

Dopamine, Serotonin, and the horde of other neurotransmitters? They're cues and responses our brains cook up in response to a situation. It's no different than the way your head takes to spinning after one too many hits from the Tequila bottle, or the way you find the volume of everything turned down when you've washed down your handful of daily prescriptions. They're chemicals that change the way you think, alter the way you feel, and change the way you see the world. They're the host to many of our emotional responses and the medium by which we react to them.

It's these drugs, one like sadness, happiness, love, and so on, that we need to be the most aware of really. They're the things that will come about regardless of your extracurricular activities or what you get up to in your late night hours. Life will happen to you, it'll impact you, and it'll spoon food you these drugs to convince you of all manner of nonsense. You'll see the world through a fog that's ten times worse than anything you could even imagine when you hear the phrase 'bad acid trip', you'll believe things that are hopeless and impossible, and all manner of reason and logic will be abandoned like a car that died on a logging road hours from anywhere worth mentioning.

Say you just got out of a relationship or you just found yourself hopelessly falling in love. We've all been there, and it's an easy example to use as a baseline (especially today). Think about it. Where has it gone wrong? Where has it gone right? Are these honest responses to where you're at? Look at the happy couples who've made promises for the long haul and the thick and thin, and look at the ones who've fallen flat on those vows. It seems to me that the predominant difference between column A, the ones who made it, and column B, the ones who didn't, is pretty clear. Someone was honest about the drugs they felt, separated themselves from it, and made a decision, and someone got caught up in the addiction and didn't see it coming.

This model is applicable far outside of the affairs of love, as I've said. Every emotion, especially the ones that feel intense, overwhelming, or perfect in every way, really falls under that banner. It's a drug you're getting in response to a stimuli. It's not a whole lot different than sticking that rolled up dollar bill up your nose, of chewing on a bit of cactus really. You're not going to be any more rational or forward thinking unless you can be honest with it and, if you ever forget that you're on drugs? Well, that's it, life as you know it is over. You've hit the crossroads where it's all going to change -- and that's not at all a bad thing.

Being honest with yourself about the fact that your own drugs becomes the easiest way to handle their effects (we'll get to the other side of that coin in a bit). This truth is Universal when talking about all of them, from the endogenous ones to the ones cooked up in dirty basements by people you wouldn't even think about talking to at a party. If you don't like the way an event makes you feel, just like if you don't like the way you behave when you're drinking? Stop subjecting yourself to it. Get a grip on your bootstraps and pull yourself away from it. Stop doing the drugs you don't like and stop putting your brain in situations where it's got no choice but to be flooded with them.

As an example: You feel like you're no good because all you can do is follow the draw of unattainable people? That's the drug of insecurity.  It's your brain setting you up to sabotage you because of how you see your own sense of worth. Sure, there's the argument here that maybe you should consider therapy or counseling, but what about the simple idea that you're just on drugs? What you're telling yourself is not a thing there is any reason for you to believe. Do you know the object of your affection is beyond your reach? Have you asked him/her? Have you taken your concept of reality and put it to the ultimate test? If you haven't, you've got to remember that you are just on drugs and due to said drug your perception of reality might be entirely skewed. Don't listen to the drug. Talk to them anyway. If it turns out the drug was telling you the truth? That's unfortunate for you and now you've got to pick yourself up, clean the egg off your lapels, and get right back out there.

As another: If you feel like you're capable of anything, are entirely desirable, and can have whatever you want. Welcome to the spiraling drug of Ego. Ego, in particular, is a dangerous one. It possesses and impossible power for convincing you the world is exactly the way you see it. This is almost never the case and that's simple fact. You can't see the world from any eyes other than your own, it doesn't matter how good your empathy is, and there's no way to know all the details of everything everyone around you might be thinking -- especially when you have no idea what drugs they're taking too.

Another of the dangers of the Ego-Drug is that it's so useful. That white rush of confidence? The belief of indestructibility, that everything is right in the world? It's this same rush that junkies of all shapes and sizes have been chasing since we figured out how to get high. When you find yourself in that position it's vital that you take a step back, remind yourself that you're on drugs, and re-examine where you've found yourself. Are you being genuine in your ambition, or are you just some doped up bull charging forth in a stream of vomit and broken china? How is your sense of indestructibility affecting those around you? What effect will it have on those you leave behind?

Again, know your drugs, know what effect they have on you. Keep an eye on them, keep an eye on yourself when you're on them. Do you like the way you act? Do you like the decisions you make? Does the drug your on bring you a real sense of satisfaction, or is that just the drug whispering in your ear? Take as much time with this question as you're able with this question. As a further element of caution, and in keeping with the overall themes here, be honest with this question.

Lying, especially to the self, is the sweeping craze of the streets these days. It's the designer drug that can make you feel like whatever you think you need to feel like and, just like sticking needles in your arm or taking that last hit of Acid that sends your sanity spiraling off the deep end, it can lead your life down a dark road of ruin. When you're on drugs, emotions or otherwise, things get serious. You can't afford to fuck around with yourself, and you sure as hell can't think you can control it. It's where the importance of knowing your drugs and your doses comes from. If you can't rationally argue to yourself that you're on drugs and what you're thinking might not be the best idea? Seek help, immediately.

You've got to put the breaks on  that kind of thing at once. Sometimes it really is as simple as sleeping it off is the best an easiest approach here, and it's my primary advice. When you feel like you've hit that wall, check out. Punch your time card, get out of where ever you are, put your head down, and let it go. Often times that check will give you time to recalibrate and come back to reality.  You're still going to have to make  a decision though and, as a veteran of many an emotion, there is nothing worse than being locked in a drug induced prison of indecision. This will inevitably lead to a white panic, but don't worry. You're going to be all right, just remember, you're just on Drugs. Think about how big a dose you're handing yourself, and figure out how to hold it together.

The silver lining though? It's no defense for poor decision making, it doesn't matter if you're talking about drugs or emotions, but you are just on drugs. The best defense you're going to get is a plea of temporary insanity, and that's not a thing you want in your everyday life. I'll even be honest and suggest that, sometimes, that's a fun place to be. When you just let yourself go, indulging in the biggest overload of the good life you can? I can't say that sort of hedonism doesn't have value, and that's totally giving into the drugs of emotions. But it's a dangerous wave to ride, and not too different from play Russian Roulette.

The wave, as it were, is another example of the importance of stepping back and taking another look is so important. Is it really the good life? What is it comprised of? What makes it good? What are you doing to sustain it? It's easy, when feeling like you're on top of the world, to overlook things. It's easy to forget that calm is an emotion, a drug if you will, and deserves just as much of a look as any other. Sometimes this look, especially if you're smack dab in the middle of a peak, will be traumatic. You will find that everything you once saw so clearly is suddenly not so. The horrific monster you've just seen while tripping off your own emotions? Don't be surprised if that becomes some unpleasant revelation truly comes when you realize something about yourself that you don't like. As a wise friend of mine once said "Meeting yourself is one of the most awesome and terrifying things you will ever do."

But, again, remember: You're just on Drugs.

It's not an excuse to act foolish, but you will. It's not an excuse to leave yourself indecisive to the point of misery, but you will. Emotions are powerful drugs that can become crippling addictive. They're the vice no human can escape from, and the thing we're all doomed to wrestle with until we ramble on to whatever is next.  Sometimes they'll freeze you in your tracks and make it impossible to move. That's okay. Everyone who's taken Emotions  has been there. Don't kick yourself because it happens to you, it happens to everyone, or at least everyone who cares about where they're going. It's being wary of the greener grass, making sure it's not just AstroTurf. It's looking at what's around you and why it's so good. It's being honest about the fact that you're always on drugs, and figuring out how to nail down the ones you want and how you're going to get there. It's about the moderation in all things, even in moderation. Don't be afraid of the good time, but stop thinking you're not worth it too.

You're going to miss out on some good times, you're going to get stuck in some bad ones. You're going to get fucked up from time to time, by nothing but your own head. Even if -- nix that -- Especially if you don't think this could happen to you, you're wrong. You won't know where to go or what to do, but, really it's going to be okay. You've got to find your way back to the ground, figure out where you want to go, and maybe calm down a little bit, but I promise it's true. You might be caught in some weird fever, but you can come out of it. The drugs will wear off, and there's all kinds of people out there who stumble through it just as badly. There are people out there who can help, including you. Don't try to deny you're out there. We're all out there.

To bring the point back home, that's why you've got to know your drugs and know your doses. Know what you can handle when you sit down. Draft up you're boundaries, but don't be afraid to flex them from time to time. Be reasonable with yourself and be honest about what you've done. Accept that you will do stupid things for no acceptable reason, but know that your value isn't determined just by what you didn't do right. Be wary of building yourself cages with your own feelings, and cultivate friendships that will be there when you cry for legitimate help. Get stupid with laughter, keep yourself from getting stupid with sabotage. Drink deep the nectar of the good life, but remember it's got it's tax too, and never, ever, forget the important one.

No matter what you're feeling? You're just on drugs, and sometimes that's exactly where you need to be.

Deviance and the Long Goodbye

Deviance and the Long Goodbye

What I learned that I want to share in Twenty-Fourteen.

Let's all take a moment to appreciate that another year is over. You had your Birthday at some point and, even if your being born is the only thing you can say about this year, let's hope you have something good to say about it. It's melody is gone now. Soon we'll be moving on to new songs at the top of the charts. Soon there will be new, eye catching headlines. Soon you will be facing an entire new set of challenges -- at least if you're lucky enough to have figured out that the good life takes work that is. So take a moment, take a look back, and see what the year held for you. Make sure you've got it firmly in the rear view, or I fear a lot of that which follows, might make very little sense at all.

Nostalgia's got a real dastardly way about it. It has this beautiful way of being an endless fountain of hope and can be the infinite source of strength for us as humans. It's a means by which we can comfortably benchmark the moments in life that we enjoy the most. Life, after all, really is about being enjoyed. It's only natural for us to look back at the moments that helped define it. I'd go one better to say it's a damn good idea. Keeping your eye on the prize is important, but you've got to remember the trick: What you're going for? It's not the experience, it's the feeling. That feeling's what you're looking for and that feeling has an obnoxiously high level in skill when it comes to hiding how much of a bear trap it can be.

Keeping one's thoughts and feelings -- and God help you if you do it to your heart -- stuck in that place is never going to be a benefit to anyone. Time passes, the world keeps turning, and we change. Through the wind and the rain of the cold, dark, nights, to the warm spring meadows, and snow crunching under the tires, we all change. Things happen to us, memories are born, bad things happen, sometimes we even get scars -- and those are much easier to get when you're not looking where you're going. The only way one goes through a year of life without change is if one is willful and resolute in their own indignation and refuses to allow or accept the slightest change to their path or structure.

I will say it once, but I will say it as clearly to you, the reader, as I can: Avoid these people like the proverbial fucking plague. This isn't spoken out of any kind of toxicity toward the type we all know, this is a general warning. People who would rather dig their heels in than feel the shift of the rock we're all on? That's a dangerous level of self delusion. Nobody's got that kind of power and, if someone claims they do? You back away from that crazy fuck in a hurry. No one should be trusted to be that drunk on their own ego, and we all know what happens to the right hand of the power hungry, mad, King. This is not a place you should ever want to find yourself and, should you ever, make a hasty exit.

To do that, however, there's a thing that's got to be done. It's not an easy one for a lot of people, myself included. but it's the bottom line of the issue. We've really got to stop being afraid of saying Goodbye. It's an issue we allow ourselves to wrestle with too often, and in ways that are just plain bad for us. It's what our hurdle with death ultimately becomes, it's what keeps us in abusive and unhealthy relationships. It's what makes us stay in shitty towns we hate, working jobs we hate. It's what makes 'unfriending' -- which stands as the great sign of all relationships in our era -- such a gigantic slap in the face. 

This lack of decisive goodbye, which is really the immediate deviation from some part of our current path, is all about the choice to let the moment draw out in awkward absurdity rather than to be direct. There's a laundry list of excuses, justifications, rationalizations, and perfectly good reasons why we do it. Sometimes it's down to a question of our own worth and confidence. Sometimes it's where we're comfortable, and we talk ourselves out of it. Sometimes we've grown an anchor and we just can't bring ourselves to cut the mooring lines. Whatever the reason, when you find yourself there, -- and you will -- it's very important to be realistic.

You're stuck. You've got to accept that, for the moment and in the situation, you're judgement is completely flawed. You're be better off trying to make life decisions stone drunk on good scotch, while you're stranded out in the middle of the desert. How you got there? Well, that's easy. You got there by your own action or lack thereof. That's how we all end up where we are and we're the only means to our egress . So, if we're in a situation where we wish we weren't anymore, but we can't bring ourselves to make an exit on our own? See the earlier statement. Stuck. Fucked. Flawed. 

And that entire feeling is absolute shit.

You are never, really, stuck anywhere. Maybe you don't want to give up the things you would have to, but that's your decision. It's your choice to weigh the scales and make your moves. If you don't like the way a situation is sizing up, then be honest about that. All you're doing is drawing out the death of a moment because saying goodbye to him, her, it, them, has become too awkward. Self improvement through change is a social trait that has now been relegated only to people willing to fuck others over and this idea, that somehow we're not worth wanting and getting a better life for ourselves has absolutely got to stop.

Goodbye has a painful hitch to it, but why? What's so bad about time passing, about experiences and being changed by them? What's so wrong with wanting different things out of life, about wanting that immediate deviance from the road we're on? What does it matter if we want new scenery, deeper cups, and or even the more simplistic, more comfort? These are things we all should want, should we find our current to be less than we're willing to accept -- and they're exactly the kind of things that make Goodbye seem like such an act of ill will to so many.

And, much like the feeling of being trapped, that is aboslute garbage.

Goodbye absolutely can be an act of ill will. Selfish indignation, judgements, condemnation, these are all examples. Again, this is where that being realistic is going to come in. Is it really what's happened? Think about the last time someone told you goodbye. Was it in the heat of an argument? Was it after some major transgression? Do you even remember what happened, or is that you just don't talk anymore? Finally, and most importantly, what was your role in that situation? Or maybe, just maybe, you're one of the lucky ones that had it come at the end of an adult conversation. If you are? Stand up and take a bow. Congratulations on your ability to human.

More likely than not, I'd wager. The Goodbye came as some awkward drifting. There were periods of lament, where conversation never really happened and time spent only led to after hours complaining to anyone who would listen. It's this, common place, acceptable, behavior that makes Goodbye seem like such a bad thing. It's the way we go about it, trying to be overly polite and spare feelings. It's stepping on someone else to put yourself up in a new set of eyes. It's a vicious, rat bastard, move -- and it works. It works because it's simple, because it's indirectly confrontational. It's getting to take the high road, or so you like to tell yourself anyway.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having life change you in a way that draws you away from someone, someplace, or something. Maybe you've decided to take up hobbies to better yourself, or give up a part of your lifestyle because you just don't like it anymore. That's a perfectly good reason to say Goodbye to something and, if you're really interested in taking the high road, you should be honest about it. What's the worst that's going to happen? You're moving on to a new situation, which is more in line with the life you want for yourself,  or the situation will adapt to work with you.

Word to the wise, infuriating as they are? If you're not honest, you're really never going to get the latter.

The truth of the matter is that, by drawing out this act for whatever reason, you are doing a disservice to whatever might have been there. Whatever existed once, the thing  to give you something to feel bad about saying Goodbye to, allowing for the awkward, slow death, goodbye, is...well, it probably says a lot more about you than you'd want.

If it's a job, are you really going to work all that hard at it anymore? If it's a place, is it really going to be anything you'll be able to enjoy if you don't want to be there? If it's a person, or people? Are you really going to be able to honestly be there for those people, or do you thing you'll always just find yourself drifting off whenever they start to talk? If it was a thing, are you going to be able to treat like you feel it deserves? Even drugs and alcohol, which generally hold positions of some reverence if they get in deep, can be treated this way. Can you respect it and have it in your life? If the answer is ever no, then think about what you might be doing to the person/place/thing/self by allowing the presence to remain.

Once more, it's important to be realistic about this process. Look around you. Have you changed? What's different? What are you not getting out of your current existence? What's missing?  Do you have to change in order to get it? Is this something you really want, or is it the late night paranoia of a winding clock? You've got to look at yourself and make good and damn sure you're happy with the answer. It's part of that whole, being honest with yourself, thing. You're going to have to reap what you sow, and that should never detour you from doing what you need to do for yourself.

Life is capable of infinite deviance. With it's long and winding highways offering late night rest stops, in parts of the world you'd never even think to visit. With wet tires and the pedestrian clutter of our everyday, it's impossible not to step into something that will change you. If and when, because it is a when, this leads to a crossroads? Don't be afraid of Goodbye. Tell the truth to yourself about why, and tell the object that you're saying goodbye. Enjoy the fact that time has passed and you have changed, live the dream, understand you're worth it. Now is never the moment to let yourself get anchored to a thing that is outside your scope of want. That's an act that belongs in yesterday, but never, ever, in tomorrow.  

Be done with the Long Goodbye. Be a better friend than that to yourself. You deserve the life you want.You're going to have to work for it, but you're worth the effort. Life's too short to do anything else. Time will pass and everything will change. It's okay to want to change along with it. It's okay to deviate away the norms of your time, it's okay to want what you want -- with the footnote of 'so long as it doesn't hurt anyone' only applying to matters of stopping someone else. 

Life the life that you want and believe is right, and let everyone else do the same. Chase the end of your highway until you want to change your route. Be forthcoming and forthright with your actions and intentions. Be clear in your thoughts. Be open with your feelings. Be honest with yourself and then apply this to everything else in your life. Put the phone down and talk, make sure you're being heard -- and make sure you're listening. Put it all in perspective, sit down with it, get comfortable, and really look.
 
If you find a circumstance has shifted outside of that? Examine it and leave it behind. Don't drag it out. Be careful of greener grass and excuses to flee, for sure, but don't be the kind of person to drag a memory through the filth of an unclean death either. That kind of ending is the extra, rusted, tooth on that bear trap of nostalgia. It'll taint every memory of the time you have because it ended on such a jagged note -- and there are few things worse than a past littered with the sharp parts of broken songs.

Shit

Celebrating yet another successful revolution around the Sun

See Also: Things not to ignore, forget, or take for granted ever.

This last weekend I had a birthday. I'd say it wasn't much of a party, but we all know that's not at all true. In a way that should come as no surprise to anyone, the day was rung in the same way it was wrung out.  Language barriers were broken and resurrected, people offered false well wishes as well as genuine ones. There were drinks aplenty. Some might even argue too plenty -- I make it a point never to ask those people so I couldn't say for sure -- and then there were truths both told and shown. There was food and film, conversational ingestion, and the whole thing got rounded out by a grass roots movement back to some honest ground. It was just the kind of thing one could expect after thirty ones years of a hallowed and holy existence and, as should come as no surprise at all, the whole thing washed out in a puddle of vomited leftovers somewhere on the back lawn near the piles of dog shit left as obedient presents. All in all, I'd call it a good party, a real good party, and the big one hasn't even happened yet. It was the solid reminder of all things right and true, all things believed and convincing, all things I want and celebrate, from the drinks right down to the dog shit.

So. I did it. I went around the sun again, which likely comes as an unfortunate surprise to some of you out there and equally as pleasant of one to far fewer. What, though, does that really mean? What have I done in the last year? Where have I been that I no longer am not? Where am I going? What am I celebrating? What's different? These are the questions that dogged me well into the waking hours of a hangover. They were the unflinching questions posed as I sat down to read the words of long dead poets; the words that fell down around dragged feet as I sat in a chair outside, curled up on a couch, ate and then purged myself of a long drowning sickness. They were the things I understood, fundamentally, that I had celebrated -- the questions that is -- and they're the things that filled me with an honest sense of self loathing powerful enough to fill a toilet bowl multiple times over.

And that, is, precisely, the point.

I didn't just survive another year around the sun, I celebrated it. I waded into its passing daily, I embraced it as it came and went. I looked forward through it as it passed through me into the rear view. I absorbed it as easily as I let it go. It sounds a bit arrogant, and perhaps a bit like I'm full of shit -- shit's probably going to be a common reference here, so pay attention -- but that was the understanding that was most strongly reinforced:

Perspective is nine tenths of the law, and not even the truth is exempt from it.

That's the meat of it and, subsequently, the shit all at the same time. It's what makes self perception one of the most dangerous things there is for a mind, and what makes self honesty so damn painful. It's the breakdown of the senses, the untangling of the massive weaves of bullshit -- see, I told you shit would be a them here -- and it's a fundamental requirement in living any kind of life you honestly expect to be happy with at all. Who you are, the life you lead, is ultimately how you perceive yourself to be and is only really ever called into question in two instances, which we'll get into here and now.

Instance number one. You question it yourself. This is good. It's a healthy process, it's important, and it's really the only way to know if where you are is where you want to be in life. It's asking yourself the questions of "Do I appear as I intend?" and "Is how I see myself the way I am or the way I wish I was?" There are others, to be certain, but these two seem to be the most pointed. They're not the same questions either, despite how they might look and easily be answer in much the same fashion, and both should always be answered honestly. The bottom line for this one is simple: If you lie to yourself when you ask yourself questions your answers will always be...say it with me now...Shit.

Lets assume, because frankly I'm a fucking optimist and it's what I want to believe, that you don't lie. Let us assume that you carry on with the truth, sit down in front of yourself and with yourself, and measure up your own behavior toward your actual goals. First of all, good for you. You got the hard part done right and maybe, just maybe, you did it without any kind of pandering or hand holding. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Don't get too comfortable though, the shit show is just beginning.

If you appear as you intend, if the way you see yourself is honest and can stand up to all scrutiny, celebrate that. Don't take it for granted, don't neglect it, and don't ignore it because, if you do, there is a very reasonable chance you might never be able to change it. If it doesn't change, if it can't change, then it's going to die and turn to, you guessed it, shit. That's the important part. Be flexible in your own perceptions and allow them to be challenged. Don't ever think you've ever got it, or yourself, all figured out. You don't. You probably never will. It would be a good idea to sit down and get comfortable with that fact, but don't you dare use it as excuse to sit there and not try. That's shitty.

Relative to this point is the understanding that you will always see a way in yourself in which you did, do, had done, or will do, something other than what you want, wanted, wished, or would have liked. That's normal. It's the swift kick in the shin that perspective will bring ninety-nine percent of the time. If you're not paying close attention, if you're not staying on the ball with this honesty, that kick may very will drop you into your own shit face down and continue kicking you mercilessly. If you enjoy this process? Seek professional help from a different Doctor. I don't have the kind of medicine you need and will turn off the open sign at once when I see you coming. Take that into consideration when dealing with point two.

It's really easy to convince yourself that the way you behave is the way you want to be seen. It's easy to say "This will get me where I want to go" -- which is an utterly useless sentiment if you haven't figured out where you want to go, by the way -- but is it really true? If you really sit down and can't find a single moment in your decisions where what you say might not be suspect to your own folly of arrogance, you're probably wrong. I know, that's some shit to hear, but you probably are very wrong. 

There are very few genuine questionings that ever end in black and white answers. The blacks and whites, the 'good idea' and 'bad idea' process respectively, is entirely tempered by your perception of events and, one would hope, the path of least resistance towards what you consider your goals to be. The very notion of being unwilling to consider that your self-perception is inaccurate starts a process process where convincing becomes easier than feeling (Before you ask, no, easier is not always the path of least resistance) and that willful clinging to an out-dated ideal sinks the whole ship. It's why maintaining an unwavering position of the self is doomed the moment you accept it. It'll leave you stuck, ankle deep, in a pool of your own shit, begging for a way out you couldn't see even if it was right in front of you, and all because it didn't fit with your ideas.

Don't do that to yourself. Don't let yourself get stuck in a rut of dishonesty and answers that you wish were true over ones that are, in fact, true.

Weighing in:

Weighing In:

The unfortunate truth about you, me, and all the people we don't know

So. The world we live in -- where do we even go with that? We'll get back to it, maybe.

I haven't touched this thing in almost eight months, largely due to the dedication of my efforts on other projects. So what brings me back here? Facbook and social media, at least today. A lot of my readers, if not most, I'm fairly sure come from Facebook. We're all peers in real life and we know one another. We talk, much like I would converse my points here, I just get more of a sounding board. Generally speaking, one reflects the other and the two build a comfortable back and forth that, again generally, leads to a betterment of oneself and a growth between friends. It doesn't hurt that it doubles as way for me to keep myself motivated, structured, and writing often either, but that's besides the point.

Facebook brought me back today. This may not seem irregular to some of you, but it is in a lot of ways. Normally, this blog is a place where I can carve out a refined thought. Sometimes it comes from conversations provoked by others. Other times it comes from questions or emails I received. Sometimes still it comes from news articles or social events (which I imagine this one will qualify in some way), but all this is getting painfully irrelevant. Today we're trying something a bit different. This isn't going to be some singular draft, off the cuff, barely checked for errors, 'I write it now and post it', blog post.

Today, this post takes the form of a comment I left as part of a discussion I had one Facebook. I suppose, perhaps, calling it a discussion is a bit unfair. What I really did was simply tack my idea onto a thread that had spawned from an article entitled "A Gentlemen's Guide To Rape Culture" that had been posted on the wall. That's all it is, a comment. It's not an article I wrote, it's not even so much an original idea. It's something I feel. Maybe it's wrong, maybe it'll get me set on fire by someone, I don't know.

What I do know is that I've been asked by several people (some readers, some not, what I think of this topic -- and I've decided to answer. For the sake of context (and comfortable anonymity) I'm not going to name names, or quote the comments that guided my reply. A general synopsis should suffice.

The commenter was (I presume) male and very upset by the notion that all men perpetuate rape culture. It was another reply that, in the shortest sense of explanation, insisted that not all men would do this kind of thing, that this was the most insulting thing he'd read, and then proceeded to list off a variable set of examples of women doing the same thing. Pretty typical back and forth about this issue, from how I've observed it. So, I figured, what the hell. It was relative to a close friend of mine (I promise to call you today by the way, if you're reading this. I suck with phones lately), in that she'd posted the article anyway, and I finally found myself entreated to reply.

I've avoided the discussion of this issue since I've yet to really establish just how I wanted to approach it, but, that's done now. So. Here's what I have to say.

"This is probably one of the only discussions on this topic I'd participate in. I hear a lot of the same sentiments being thrown around, "I'm not like that", I don't deserved to be judged like that", "This is hypocrisy!" and so on. I can't say that I find them all to be invalid, or that sweeping, blanket, generalizations about people are generally asking for trouble, but this article doesn't dive in to any of that.

Yes, I think there are a lot of people jumping on this issue in the last few years. I think it's an issue that's needed to be jumped on as well, to be quite frank about it. Yes, there are naysayers and people who are, unfortunately, adding a lot of negative light toward gender biases as a result. Yes, this issue is drumming up loads of biased hostilities on both sides of the line. Yes, people are saying a lot of very harsh things.

Do I agree with that? Absolutely not. Do I agree that I think these things need to be said to some degree? Yes, I do.

I don't condone a blanket, sweeping, sentiment about much short of Mass Murderers, Pederasts, and Rapists. Even those kind of statements, about what we can largely agree are monsters of people, on occasion do tend to get a little dicey. I think it's perfectly fair to want to stand up and distinguish yourself from that kind of thing -- but you're also kind of missing the point.

The bottom line really is that as a culture of people, by and large, we point the finger at individuals. I don't think many people would mince words over the fact that raping someone, anyone, is bad. We're fine with calling rape itself a bad thing, and that's a step. It's good that we know rape is bad. We'll judge a rapist by the deed, and for some people that's as close as they need to get.

Sure, okay. To a degree, I buy that. It's why we have things like registered sex offenders who have to knock on doors and let the neighborhood know. Some people even liked to tout how that was extreme, or judgmental even. It was something that was decided upon to help others feel safe in an environment and, regardless of whatever arguments one wants to make about rights in the situation, I'd call it fair.

But that doesn't stop people from getting raped, abused, or any of the other thousand of things that happen to people every day as a result of the culture we live in. The point of addressing 'rape culture' isn't to say "All men are bad" -- and yes, I'm aware that some people will take it to that extreme -- but rather to point the finger where it belongs: At the underlying cause of why rape has grown to such an absurd statistic.

I understand the sentiments that the "bad apples" have spoiled the bunch, I get the frustration that's there about it absolutely. I don't argue that men get raped, that not all men are rapists, or that being lumped into a stereotype really sucks. You can tout the line of disparity and unfairness all you'd like there, anyone can, and I'll say the same thing to all of them.

This isn't just about you, or me, or even about women who've been raped. This isn't just about people who get taken advantage of, or disrespected, or coerced. This is not even a movement for the victims -- and I'm frankly surprised at the candor many of them have expressed while it has gone on.

The addressing of rape culture, both previously and as of late, isn't to say "People get raped and that's fucked up." Anyone who isn't going to rape someone already knows that. Even if, and I have no idea the truth of the numbers, lets say 75% of the people on the planet would never perpetuate the circumstances that the discussion of rape culture refers to, that still leaves 25% of the people on the planet who would.

I don't know about you, but 25% of six billion people -- that's one and a half billion -- is still a pretty uncomfortable number of people to have roaming around the world. Even if you just took the population of the U.S. and applied those same numbers, you're looking at 79 million (rounded up) people who would (again, looking at exceptionally low ball numbers in my opinion), would do that kind of thing to someone else.

That's what this is about. It's about raising a standard of human decency and treatment. That's why it's so important to shine the light on these kind of issues. Some people, and I've known a few, really aren't even aware of these kind of things at all. I don't understand that, and I don't like being lumped in with them any more than I imagine anyone else who would never do this would -- and that's why I support it.

I understand the frustration, specifically coming from other males. I really do. Maybe you're not a man who would ever do these things to anyone else. Maybe you're right, maybe we should drop the gender biases from these issues and approach it more from a standard of generalized humanity. The facts, unfortunately, are the facts.

I'm quite sure there are unreported cases of men being raped by women. I'm quite sure, if you looked for it, you could find examples of that. I'm sure you could find the same examples, of the same behaviors, being perpetrated on men, and it probably wouldn't even take you that long. I'm confident there's merit to the "Well guys just don't talk about it" argument too, and I'm equally as confident that we'll get to that eventually...

But that doesn't change the simple fact that it is not the bigger problem. Nobody deserves to get raped. Again, we all agree on that. No one deserves to have their own comfort and security violated. No one should be forced into something against their will. These are basic human rights. If the numbers were reversed and this issue was predominantly male victims? I'd absolutely agree, this whole thing is getting unfair.

It's not. We're the smaller number. Sure, we're getting the raw end of the stick right now. Sure, we're constantly on the defensive and having to attempt to stand up as individuals and separate ourselves from the slime balls and degenerates who we want to make sure the whole world knows we're not like -- but how does that feel? It sucks, doesn't it?

That's the point this article, and the movement itself, is trying to accomplish. This, at least from what I've seen, isn't about individuals. It's not about who is, or is not, a rapist. It's not about who does, or does not, believe there are times when it is acceptable to expect people to do what you want them to do. It's not about the individuals who disrespect other people. It's not about the people who don't do it.

It's about drawing attention to the fact that it happens, and it happens a lot. It's why people, from all over everywhere, are stepping out to reveal things they've kept in the dark for a long time. It's why so many voices are coming together in union. It's not about pointing the finger at the people who perpetrate it, but more addressing the social and psychological ideas that have allowed this to explode into such an epidemic.

I think it's unfortunate, for sure, that is has gotten this bad. I think it's unfair that upstanding people are being lumped in with some really rotten eggs, but I still think the latter is a good thing. It's unfair for people to feel like they're being judged for things that they didn't do. It's unfair for men to feel generalized and brow beaten but, even if someone reading it feels they're not a part of this? Well, now that have a better understanding of how it feels don't they?

My advice? If you really want to make sure you're not being lumped in with people, make good and damn sure you're not acting like they do. Don't say "I'm not like that". Don't say "Not every man would do this". Don't make it about you. Don't make it about an individual. Take a stand against the bullshit things you see. Treat people better. Be respectful. Be known for it.

Separate yourself from the biases and generalizations by helping put an end to the behavior once and for all."

That's the bottom line, and I say this mostly to the gentlemen who feel that they're being unfairly judged. Hell, I'd say it to anyone who feels judged unfairly by a stereotype:

If you don't like it, do something to change it. If you don't want to be known for perpetrating these type of behaviors, don't perpetrate them.. Your peers will know. Your friends will know. If you don't like that the stereotype exists? Well, you're going to have to start working a lot harder to change people's minds. You are going to have to be the person who's known for standing up against these kind of things -- and no, just saying you are doesn't foot the bill.

You may not be responsible for why all this is going on, and that's wonderful. Good for you. Congratulations on being ahead of the curve. Now, sit down, pay attention, and listen to what is coming out of this movement. Pay attention to the wake up call it's trying to give. Listen to the horror stories and instead of whining about how you're not like that and this isn't fair. That doesn't help your case, or the case of anyone else for that matter.

Don't spend your energy complaining about how it doesn't apply to you. Don't waste your time trying to say how you're not like the people they are talking about. Chime in with them. Agree that it's wrong, do your part to put a stop to it. Don't try and invalidate the semantics of the statement. Don't try and defend your, not so unique, position. Don't feel the need to defend yourself from the statements people make, but rather take that same energy and use it to defend the people who you feel are being treated wrongly by your strangers, your peers, your friends, or your family.

TL;DR? If you're not part of the problem and people know it? Fine. Shut up. It's not about you. It's about the problem and you're not helping yourself or anyone else by trying to say it doesn't pertain to you. You will have to deal with someone in your life it does impact and, if you're really concerned with helping to reshape an image, you can do it by not putting up with the bullshit at all instead of just not doing it.

Regarding Friendships

Regarding Friendships:

Also, why what we want is how we should behave

 

I hate to do this, but I really need to put up a disclaimer. Oddly, it is relevant to the piece at hand. I started writing this about a week ago, week and a half ago maybe even. Since I began working on, taking breaks for mandated revelry, self-exposure, and exploration of the beginnings of a new chapter in my life, some unfortunate events seem to have befallen myself, and a peer of mine whose friendship I, very much, value. The specifics are not relevant beyond the other party in question but, because I feel that honesty and communication are important in friendships, I want to make sure that it's clear that this piece is not reactionary, nor should it be taken in any way personal by any one. While my writing is often littered with examples and lessons learned from my experiences with myself and others, it is never a platform to be scathing or slanderous to someone else. That is not how one resolves a difference one cares about and, if I didn't care about it, I sure as hell couldn't be convinced to write about it.

 

More and more lately, I've seen the questions about 'What does it mean to be a friend?' coming up more and more. I've been engaging these discussions well into the midnight hours, over drinks, cigarettes, grief, and with a sentiment of loss. I grant you, they've also come on the tailwinds of happy smiles and laughter; where the, subjective, truth of friendship has been presented with the brightest of honest and left little but merriment in its wake. The question remains however and, the bigger question of 'What do I want in the people I know?', still continues to loom in reflections on a sun bleached windshield.

It, much like the question of 'What is love?' and 'What is Faith?' is a remarkably personal question. It doesn't so much have a right answer in the grand sense of the word, but rather a micro-cosmos of factors and personal sentiments that are important to consider and deadly to ignore. It, like the other questions mentioned, also have one important factor in common, and it's really the part that should be understood first, less the questions become rather moot.

In order to have good friends you must know yourself.

This point isn't given some grand, grammatical, sentiment for no reason. You are the central figure in every area of your life. You are the thing that acts and, by the very nature of physics, causes reactions. You are the person you bring to every situation, the thing every area of your life will forever have in common. You have to know what you think. You have to know what you feel. You have to know what you believe and, just as important as all three of these things, you need to know why these are the truths you hold to -- and you have to be willing to accept they just might be wrong.

If you do not take the time to know, understand, and love that person, then anything and everything you bring to the table will, in some way or another, end up being a fraudulent misrepresentation of who you are as an individual. There are ways to make relationships being a person like this, but they don't present much in the ways of longevity. It's a house with a cracked foundation, where the tenants are all foreign to one another, no matter how many conversations they might have.

I will go on record to say it's not impossible to having a meaningful relationship with a stranger. All manner of adventures are possible among the company of people you don't know. You might take road trips on trains, or share sandwiches by the river. You might commit multiple crimes on a midnight burn to the ocean, listening to dogs respond to threats of being turned into Chinese food. You might simply extend a kind gesture and never sit around to be thanked. These are all relationships, albeit brief and with a well defined end point, but are they friendships?

In order to answer that question among strangers, you have to be willing to ask it of yourself. What makes a friendship? How do people define what makes a good friend? Is it someone who is always there with a kind word and a soft blanket? Is it someone who will tell the truth, even if the know it'll cut you deep? Is it a person who says nothing but always brings the party? If you don't know yourself it becomes impossible to know what you want. It's like serving food to someone you've never met, you don't even know what they like and there's a very good chance they're going to take your love and hard work just to toss it on the floor because  they don't like it. How can you determine what makes a good friend if you don't know what it is you want?

I know, the statement has been repeated a lot, but that's not for my benefit. Pay attention damn it. Knowing yourself is important.

Don't get me wrong, that first step, the one where you get to meet yourself, is not an easy one. It will be one of the most awesome and empowering things you've ever done. It will also likely terrify you. It's frightening to understand yourself in an honest light, to know what you're capable of and to know what it is you are actually capable of doing.  Admitting your faults makes them no less easy to fall into, you just better learn to put up signs along the side of your road -- things like: Warning, Surface Freezes Before Deck. These are important markers but, in no way will they prevent you from all of your own pitfalls.

Once the investment in yourself has been made, finding 'good' friends really isn't as complicated as it often seems. People have an uncanny gift for drawing in the things they want but, again, the importance of knowing yourself cannot be understated. If you're not aware of who you are then how can you be aware of what it is that you are projecting out into the universe around you? In essence, the person you know is the person you project. The person you project, if a stranger to you, is likely not going to draw you in the kinds and types of people you would want to meet.

Be confidant and humble about that person too. Yes, accept that who you are is good, so long as that who is the who you want to be in the present. Understand that you owe the good life you lead, which is a guarantee if you're being who you are, is something that you are responsible for bringing to yourself. Don't take it for granted, don't ignore it if it's not what you want, don't blame shift.

You are the lowest common denominator of your own existence. You are the thing to which all other things in your life are related. You are, in every situation, in some way, responsible for how you have ended up and what has happened to you. That  needs to be owned and accepted, in both positive and negative lights, as often as possible. Reflect on your life, see if it's bringing you where you want to go, see if you're helping yourself to get there, and understand where you need to do some work. Be willing to accept that you are not perfect, but never surrender to the notion that you're not capable. Strive always for better, and give yourself quarter only when reasonable. Don't cheat yourself out of the person you could become, just because it's easier.

Now, personally, I find that applying these same values to friendships (or any relationship really) is really the best way to ensure a positive, stable, and happy rapport. Tell people you like them, or love them, or appreciate them, and tell them why. Tell your friend you really love the way she carries herself with an unabashed panache, or your server that she's so on the ball with her drink suggestions and you really appreciate it. Tell your lover why you love them, tell your friends how important their friendship is  to you, but never neglect the why.

The 'Why' of the matter is where we find the honest humility in who we are. It's an acknowledgement of values, placed raw and laid bare, because it needs to be done. It's a respect shown, with zero expectation of return -- and never a harsh word spoken against the understood standard. It's what keeps us grounded in who we are, because we know why we think what we think and are willing to ask the question during the occasional personal review of ourselves. It is the question that makes us both great and small, and reminds us that it's important not to be in the way of our own why. Life is too short for that kind of betrayal.

So answer the why, of 'Why am I a good friend?' and be honest with yourself. Tell yourself the truth about the values you uphold as sacred in that bond, and never shy away from stating them. Tell people when they meet them, that you appreciate it. Tell people when you feel they've overstepped or mistreated a situation. Be fair, listen to be equal, and take great care when forming conclusions without first having a discussion. You might miss something wonderful, just because you were too caught up to be on the level. Don't be petty, don't rely on third party information. Be direct. Be responsible for the friendship, because that's the only way to prove it means anything to you at all.

So what does it mean to be a friend? I can't answer that specifically, because the answer is uniquely intimate to the person asking the question. You need to know your values and represent them accordingly. You need to be honest with yourself your wants and desires from the interactions you share, and you need to be willing to establish a generally unwavering standard on that position. When someone shows themselves to you, believe them -- but always be ready to be surprised. People have a knack for doing an awful lot of growing.

Beyond that? Acknowledge yourself. Acknowledge your friends. Be a present gift. Be observant. Be attentive. Be honest, and willing to say no. Hold fast to your standard, but never mistake it for expectation. Be wary of jaded judgements or the context of your past clouding your present. Know yourself and be willing to accept that no relationship is perfect, not even the one you have with yourself.

The people for me and the people I am for, a poetic essay for the curious.

The people for me and the people I am for:
a poetic essay for the curious.

It's been said, by many a wise mind, that you must know the people you are for, those to whom your character suits. You must also know the people that are for you. This has been heavy in my mind tonight, and so, I have decided to explain what it means, to you, and to myself.

It's been said that the only ones for me are the mad ones; the blind hellions, drunk on adventure, screaming their mind with  loud voices. It's been suggested for me the degenerates, freaks with a real sense of self and no quarter given to their temple. There's also been the notion that the people I am for are real twisted fuckers, people with stopped up ears and eyes stapled shut, people with heavy souls, people with rocky shores, people who need lighthouses to go home and yellow brick roads to lead them back to their own hearts. It's been suggested I'm ill suited to mass consumption, that I should be taken with caution and considered with care.

I say it's a pretty terrible thing to be compared to taking brown acid and Jonestown kool-aid.

The people that are really for me? They're the ones with loud voices, even if they shake. The people for me aren't mad, so much as lustful for life. The people for me give care and caution to world, and often to the  wind. The people for me are afraid, but admit it, and stare it down with self-righteous fury. The people for me come in many shapes and many sizes. Some carry bruises, others have a suitcase full of bad memories and a head full of horrible nightmares. People for me even show up with forged smiles, a monument to all the things they're trying to hide, and others show up with a shoebox full of snapshots, and a litany of reasons why they can't leave them behind.

The people for me are who they are, despite their reservation about it. The people for me set their sights and follow them with fervent excitement. The people for me are the ones who stand behind their convictions with a sense of pride, the ones prepared to listen and be wrong, the ones who aren't afraid to stare into the dark. The ones for me are the ones who don't believe in dying, but constantly shedding -- hermit crabs of a rather temporal variety who understand that, though the ride might be frightening, it's okay to close your eyes, you just have to keep hanging on. The people for me stand tall in their shame and glory, and come at it unabashedly and with seasoned vigor. The ones for me aren't the ones afraid of falling down, but they're afraid of not being able to get back up.

The people I am for? The curious risk taking fools who agree to step on the ride, are only allowed to do so if they bring a hat. There's a warning up front: Danger, it reads. It just might get loud.

The people I am for are the ones who queue up regardless of the hazard, the ones who already know the rules about strapping in; it's only to be done in the presence of genuine terror, and this also illustrates why the hat is so important. They understand why masks, regardless of shape, size, or color, are strictly forbidden. These are a hazard to other rides and, if you're found to be in possession of one, your ejection from the ride will be swift and unpleasant. They're the people who know the ride is crazy, and they're the ones who get off at the next stop.

The people I am for, are timid people, but brazen enough to stand in their own spotlight, even just for a minute. They are the people who will come and go, sometimes passing like strange ships passing on even stranger tides. They are people who accept their own fragility and bow out, their humility still in tact. They are people to whom I serve an entirely alien purpose, and when it's over? When it's over it's over.

Then, of course, you have the whole section of people who fall into an entire different category: People I should avidly avoid.

These people are the snake oil salesman of the modern era. They're the ones who claw and scramble their way to attentions, charlatans, and escorts straight into the deepest levels of hell. These are people who will swear by good intentions, swindle  from an ethical platform, and engage in primitive rituals, designed for the single, sinister, purpose: Casting a spell of fog and self deceit

These people should be noted for the unscrupulous sharks they are and identified at once. They're the people who peddle you cut rate promises and prices to good to be true. They're the dishonest dream dealers, and they're lower than the caricature of used car salesman. They will not hesitate to cheat you, it's in their very nature to be dishonest. They will attempt to appear as though they share your harmony, and they will never disagree with you for fear of losing your interest. They are people ill content to stand in the light, but ever seeking a shadow. They're a social vashta nerada, and they won't stop until you're a skeleton in a suit. They're a bad echo, coming from a deep well long since visited.

These are the people who will exit the stage in a huff of disgrace, and they'll likely try and tart it up as honor. They're people unwilling to take the hit from the frustration, just to follow the high road to which they claim to aspire. These are people who have fallen off, what they see, as the highest road and they have no real intention of ever getting back on again. These are the people will claim to leave with dignity, and these are people who will continue to  track that same, rotten smelling, shit where ever you let them walk.

It doesn't matter who you are, you will be one of these three people. Two types of you will form a venn diagram, with the third being notably absent and removed. Of those two groups, those who I am fit for, and Those who are fit for me, there will be some overlap. It's this ovoid figure,  where the magic really comes together. It's there where the right people live. It's here where the music's always running, the lights are always on, and home is always found.

These people are not exclusive to any one creed or archetype either, and that's a very real part of this whole idea. These people are not just mad screamers and risk takers, nor are they just people who stand up and simply are. For all their intentions, for all their purpose, they understand that none of us will remain unscathed. They understand that the ride is a ride, and should be enjoyed. They understand the fragility of permanence and the permanent encapsulation of a moment that can forever come from a song. They're people who's memories ring out like ballads. These are people who exist in your life, regardless of position and meaning, who don't have to have a point, but aren't afraid to ask why either.

..And they're not just for me either, they're for you too.

They're for everyone. They're the people who hear your song and add to it, making it brighter than better than before. They're the people who can talk about the 'good old times' and understand that tomorrow's just as good -- if not out and out better. They're the ones who step into your life and stay with you and, even if they're mad, even if they're not there forever, bring a real sense of magic  to your life. These people might even scare you, and you might scare them. You might be a messiah, you might be an otherwise ignored pip on a timeline of infinity. They might follow you to the end, or they might want to get off, but they'll be there to make some real magic when they're about.

Just make sure you know yourself otherwise, these people, those people, and all people, are forever going to made up imaginings of a frightened, dishonest, mind.

Don't do that to yourself, that's awful.

The Truth about The Future

The Truth about 'The Future'
And the tragedy of not having one

So, two thousand and twelve is over. For most everyone I know, this last year was a clusterfuck of bad news, worse times, and some seriously twisted politics. The whole world seemed to get caught up in a series of bad re-runs with each headline getting more depressing than the last. There was a series of coup d'etes of every make and model, bombings, fires, deaths, and the discontinuation of the Encyclopædia Britannica. We lost the first man on the moon, a handful of nobel winners, and an all around  treasured collection of athletes, authors, artists, engineers, and strangers. Sure, we landed on Mars, opened the tallest building in the world, had a man break the sound barrier without any kind of mechanical assistance -- but lets be reasonable and not ask anyone to remember that. However, to me, as a day-to-day, news reading, God fearing, apolitical, debaucherous, cynic, none of what made the headlines was anywhere near as disturbing as the news which I found among a large collection of my peers.

There are things that, to me, appear to be universal truths; not everyone will ever agree on everything, getting laid will always be a better time than paying taxes, people will break almost any law that is made, simply because the law exists to break, and there's always a chance for tomorrow, no matter what the implications of Carpe Diem, in its entirety, suggest. In the last year though, I have met people who seem to feel quite the opposite of the latter and that has made for some loud and serious thinking. Are there really people out there who genuinely feel like there's no future, and I don't mean in some, trumped up, disenfranchised, existentialist, 'the world is shit and I am nothing' kind of way, but people who really feel, think, and believe that there is no future? Now that's a fucking nightmare; a genuine modern tragedy of the era, and something I don't believe should be forgotten.

How does one end up with such a void of hope? You might think it's fear, which makes a lot of sense. The world seems to be  a place no one is happy with, at least not with spectator sport politics and seven hundred recalled channels of pharmacy grade Soma, so having hope might seem like a one way trip to depression  and bleak sunrises. I could swallow that and sleep at night, even if I didn't condone it. I could even handle a general sense of apathy, where people just didn't give a shit about tomorrow. There really wasn't much I could have heard as an answer and not sleep through unless it was the genuine belief that the future just wasn't there -- and that's exactly what I got. 

These weren't people who were living in destitute squalor either, but rather those who lived somewhat royally by common standards. They are people who have little worries in the affairs of shelter, or sustenance. These are people who have no shortcomings in the affairs of friendship, companionship, or family. These aren't people who are living in the midst of a constant pissing contest by warlords, or who are even harried by modern political themes. They're not poor, they're not living in bad neighborhoods, and they have a constantly queued collective of faithful practitioners ready and willing to lay down their time and tribulation to see these people's days filled with whatever manner of merriment they choose.

They are people who, for every angle I'm aware, and by their own testimony, have a life most of us long for as part of our cultural heritage. These are people who are living the true dream of life, chasing happiness however they see fit, and holding nothing back, and yet they speak of their own lives, their futures, with a sense of void that no words could begin to articulate. The genuine truth I heard was that there was, at the end of the day, only the end of the day -- and that idea has left me in nightmares nearly every night since.

I wanted to write it off as some kind of rebellious, anti-cultural, culture. I wanted to think of it as some kind of trite, neo-punk, or quasi-goth, anti-hipster, mindset. It would have been a lot easier to sleep if I'd been able to convince myself that was true. Believe me, I tried. Indulging in all manner of inhumanities and depravities, and trying to come up with some kind of twisted, crazed, half-drunk, logic that could make it all seem reasonable. The further the chorus shifted, no longer limited to the ranges of fringe elements of the world, the more I quickly realized jut how far this went. No amount of drinking or insomnia would wash this horrible mess away.

So what does one do, when they genuinely believe in a future, when presented with this sort of thinking? What do you do with all manner of people, from 'counterculture' to 'blue collar', start touting off about the pointless idea of future, momentum, or any slight semblance of hope? What do you do when you encounter people who are in stations most us would dream for, at least in principle, sit around and tell you how you're a damn fool for even thinking about tomorrow? Well, I'll tell you exactly what you do.

You see, life has a very real way of giving you what you give to it. If your days are filled with a blasé attitude about life, never giving credit to the wonders about you or tipping your hat to the bullets of existence you've managed to dodge, then it doesn't come as such a painful shock that the world holds no future for you. It's no different, really, than those people who spend their lives in a constant train wreck of failures because they're forever neck deep in their own bullshit. You have to keep going for tomorrow.

You have to have wants that you don't stick in a shoebox or block yourself away from because of the self-apparent hypocrisy of your own personality. You stop sitting around lamenting your closet fetishes for people you publicly deride, you bring them home and you fuck them with a wild abandon. You let go of your previous partners who've well moved on and stop making excuses as to why they're holding you back. You sit down in front of a mirror and you give up all your issues about gender and sexuality. You tell the secret object of your affections how you feel. You quit drinking, you do the thing you've always wanted to do, because that is your future.

You quit lying to yourself, you quit making excuses that make you seem justified in your inaction, you do that because you've already heard the biggest bullshit on the matter of stasis any of us are ever going to hear. You have to understand that it's stasis that kills the future. It's not a lack of hope, it's not a lack of want, but a lack of life and growth that kill the future. It's a denial of direction, for reasons that I will never even attempt to understand, that will break down the future. It is the fire of our passions that lights the way we will travel and without those things, either because we convince ourselves we cannot have them, that they are wrong, or whatever justification it is we give ourselves, we do, indeed, have no future.

Life is not bullshit unless all you feed it is bullshit. Think about yourself, think about your life, right now. Think about your aspirations, think about where you always wanted to see yourself, and then think about all the bullshit you've invented to keep yourself there. Now, think about the people who won't see a future, who can't because they choose not to at all. Look back at your bullshit, look at that choice. Take a good long look and consider this:

Those who admit to the choice of not having a future? At least they're being honest.