The High Cost of Social Pandering:
And why it just doesn't pay to say something nice, if it also isn't true
In recent years the world has become a place of excessive political correctness. Every social group imaginable has clambered it's way through the proverbial social trench toward equality - or at least done their absolute damnedest to make an honest go at it. Homosexuals are out in the military, every ethnic group has themselves legally covered by a team of jeering money junkies, and each and every subculture has some, new, social policy in place to see to it that they can't be taken down a peg without some kind of swift and immediate retribution.
It's a world where everyone has a right to be respected, everyone has a right to be loved, and everyone is A-o-fucking-k. It's a world where nobody's problems are really all that real and the suggestion of self improvement is, by and large, paramount to treason in terms of friendship It's become the socially accepted and common practice that, when the world turns cold, entire social masses are given rabies and set loose on the offender; right and wrong have become subjective terms of perception and the notion that, just maybe, someone we know did something bad is both insulting and criminal.
These elements, combined the ever growing ease of social networking, has made it increasingly easier for everyone to cry out against the villains from their perspective soapboxes. More and more voices have begun to cry out against bad boyfriends, horrible people, social injustice, mental abuse and anguish, and every other manner of impressionist, surrealist, self-created, bullshit they can find. The landscape of life is starting to look more and more like a Monopoly board. Everyone's building giant towers to climb upon, defending their property from on high and throwing stones at anyone who won't cross over to their side of the line. While I don't think is a bad thing, I've noticed one fatal flaw in the plan - most of these towers don't have mirrors in them.
It's seems to be an every growing trend that what's 'right' isn't found by looking at the question, or the person, but rather by looking at the number of ones friends willing to sign on to keep the ship afloat and keep following the oar master's drum. No longer are we looking at situations and asking ourselves 'Did I really do something wrong?', but rather immediately inviting all our friends to jump on the bandwagon of shitting all over whatever it is that we're angry about. It becomes a giant event, we draw lines in the sand, shout and scream until we're told we're right and it's not our fault, and then we round up the pitchforks and torches - we even took the time to make enough chilli or everyone.
Everybody knows the price of admission now, everybody knows the high cost of friendship and the sacrifices expected of them. You're no longer expected to be there when it might be inconvenient for you, you're no longer expected to pick up the phone when someone calls you in the middle of the night. There's no longer a prerequisite of honesty, but rather only the promise that you will be when the chips are down. Follow through has become a lost cause, so long as your voice can be heard when the screaming starts. Being a friend these days seems more about shouting at all the things your friends hate, and participating in a massive shell game of blame.
It's what's lead the world to start turning to pushers with PhDs and street corner peddlers of Prozac and Xanax. It's what drives many of us to the wine isle of the local supermarket to buy box upon box of cheap white zinfandel - because if everyone we know says we're right, that he's an asshole, that it's not our fault, that things will get better, and we still feel wrong? Well, then the solution is obvious, right? We're clearly making it up and deluding ourselves, so there must be something wrong with us chemically. If all our friends think we're right, if everyone we know validates what we think, and yet we still feel broken and lost well, then, that's just not right at all. It's at this conclusion we realize it's time to start washing down little green pills with peach colored piss water from a cardboard box and hope that everything just goes away in the end.
Nobody wants to say things that will throw salt into a wound. Nobody wants to point out the faults perpetrated by a friend who is clearly already emotional over some event or another, and there's a laundry list of reasons why too. Maybe you're feeling like you're not good enough without the 'friends' you have, maybe you're just as conditioned to this process as everyone else, maybe you even bought the fucking whine, or maybe you just want to be the 'good' friend. You just want to say anything you can to make your friend feel better about whatever their feeling, so you lend your voice to the chorus without much thought, or maybe, just maybe, you're too afraid to be in the firing line yourself so you join in with the precession of wagons and make your way across the social tundra.
What people seem to forget about pandering is that it's actually not a very nice thing to do. You're not being a good friend, in any way, if this is how you treat the people you're closest to in life. It's your civic duty, your personal obligation, to open your mouth when you feel they're not entirely in the right. We're creatures conditioned to accept what the outside stimuli tells us is okay and if you're just joining in to tell your friend that everything's fine? Congratulations, you've fucked them with the book, you've cut their legs out from underneath them and greased the inevitable slide into some kind of self loathing power trip.
Does that make you ultimately responsible for what happens to your 'friend'? Absolutely not. People are responsible, first and foremost, for themselves. The only person you're ever accountable for is you, and how you hold yourself in the social court of the world. That being said, do you really want to be known as some snaked tongue charlatan, who will say anything to anyone regardless of the impact and ramification, so long as it makes the party in question feel better? When you think about it, doesn't it make sense to be known for, and respected, as the good friend; the one who speaks their mind - no matter how loud the shouting gets - and is always there to agree when they actually agree?
In a world where everyone wants to be able to feel good about what they think, who they are, and what they do, it's a grievous insult to lie about things like that. It's never, actually, the end of the world as they know it. You're never, actually, a bad person for disagreeing with anyone in a respectful fashion. Finally, if, for any reason, you're asked to compromise your own values for the sake of your 'friendship', then I strongly caution the reader that they sit down and really think about the choice he or she is about to make. Is it really worth pissing away your integrity for the sake of another person? Is it really worth pretending to be someone's friend? Do you really want to have friends who are only interested in you if your voice cries in union with their own and, is someone like that even your friend?
There are plenty of other lyrebirds out there in the world, plenty of gumtrees for you to sit in, and rather than taking the Matilde Waltz into some tar pit for integrity, I suggest that it's often better to break out the soap, wash your hands of the mess, and come back to it if, and only if, your voice is welcomed as an independent entity.
And why it just doesn't pay to say something nice, if it also isn't true
In recent years the world has become a place of excessive political correctness. Every social group imaginable has clambered it's way through the proverbial social trench toward equality - or at least done their absolute damnedest to make an honest go at it. Homosexuals are out in the military, every ethnic group has themselves legally covered by a team of jeering money junkies, and each and every subculture has some, new, social policy in place to see to it that they can't be taken down a peg without some kind of swift and immediate retribution.
It's a world where everyone has a right to be respected, everyone has a right to be loved, and everyone is A-o-fucking-k. It's a world where nobody's problems are really all that real and the suggestion of self improvement is, by and large, paramount to treason in terms of friendship It's become the socially accepted and common practice that, when the world turns cold, entire social masses are given rabies and set loose on the offender; right and wrong have become subjective terms of perception and the notion that, just maybe, someone we know did something bad is both insulting and criminal.
These elements, combined the ever growing ease of social networking, has made it increasingly easier for everyone to cry out against the villains from their perspective soapboxes. More and more voices have begun to cry out against bad boyfriends, horrible people, social injustice, mental abuse and anguish, and every other manner of impressionist, surrealist, self-created, bullshit they can find. The landscape of life is starting to look more and more like a Monopoly board. Everyone's building giant towers to climb upon, defending their property from on high and throwing stones at anyone who won't cross over to their side of the line. While I don't think is a bad thing, I've noticed one fatal flaw in the plan - most of these towers don't have mirrors in them.
It's seems to be an every growing trend that what's 'right' isn't found by looking at the question, or the person, but rather by looking at the number of ones friends willing to sign on to keep the ship afloat and keep following the oar master's drum. No longer are we looking at situations and asking ourselves 'Did I really do something wrong?', but rather immediately inviting all our friends to jump on the bandwagon of shitting all over whatever it is that we're angry about. It becomes a giant event, we draw lines in the sand, shout and scream until we're told we're right and it's not our fault, and then we round up the pitchforks and torches - we even took the time to make enough chilli or everyone.
Everybody knows the price of admission now, everybody knows the high cost of friendship and the sacrifices expected of them. You're no longer expected to be there when it might be inconvenient for you, you're no longer expected to pick up the phone when someone calls you in the middle of the night. There's no longer a prerequisite of honesty, but rather only the promise that you will be when the chips are down. Follow through has become a lost cause, so long as your voice can be heard when the screaming starts. Being a friend these days seems more about shouting at all the things your friends hate, and participating in a massive shell game of blame.
It's what's lead the world to start turning to pushers with PhDs and street corner peddlers of Prozac and Xanax. It's what drives many of us to the wine isle of the local supermarket to buy box upon box of cheap white zinfandel - because if everyone we know says we're right, that he's an asshole, that it's not our fault, that things will get better, and we still feel wrong? Well, then the solution is obvious, right? We're clearly making it up and deluding ourselves, so there must be something wrong with us chemically. If all our friends think we're right, if everyone we know validates what we think, and yet we still feel broken and lost well, then, that's just not right at all. It's at this conclusion we realize it's time to start washing down little green pills with peach colored piss water from a cardboard box and hope that everything just goes away in the end.
Nobody wants to say things that will throw salt into a wound. Nobody wants to point out the faults perpetrated by a friend who is clearly already emotional over some event or another, and there's a laundry list of reasons why too. Maybe you're feeling like you're not good enough without the 'friends' you have, maybe you're just as conditioned to this process as everyone else, maybe you even bought the fucking whine, or maybe you just want to be the 'good' friend. You just want to say anything you can to make your friend feel better about whatever their feeling, so you lend your voice to the chorus without much thought, or maybe, just maybe, you're too afraid to be in the firing line yourself so you join in with the precession of wagons and make your way across the social tundra.
What people seem to forget about pandering is that it's actually not a very nice thing to do. You're not being a good friend, in any way, if this is how you treat the people you're closest to in life. It's your civic duty, your personal obligation, to open your mouth when you feel they're not entirely in the right. We're creatures conditioned to accept what the outside stimuli tells us is okay and if you're just joining in to tell your friend that everything's fine? Congratulations, you've fucked them with the book, you've cut their legs out from underneath them and greased the inevitable slide into some kind of self loathing power trip.
Does that make you ultimately responsible for what happens to your 'friend'? Absolutely not. People are responsible, first and foremost, for themselves. The only person you're ever accountable for is you, and how you hold yourself in the social court of the world. That being said, do you really want to be known as some snaked tongue charlatan, who will say anything to anyone regardless of the impact and ramification, so long as it makes the party in question feel better? When you think about it, doesn't it make sense to be known for, and respected, as the good friend; the one who speaks their mind - no matter how loud the shouting gets - and is always there to agree when they actually agree?
In a world where everyone wants to be able to feel good about what they think, who they are, and what they do, it's a grievous insult to lie about things like that. It's never, actually, the end of the world as they know it. You're never, actually, a bad person for disagreeing with anyone in a respectful fashion. Finally, if, for any reason, you're asked to compromise your own values for the sake of your 'friendship', then I strongly caution the reader that they sit down and really think about the choice he or she is about to make. Is it really worth pissing away your integrity for the sake of another person? Is it really worth pretending to be someone's friend? Do you really want to have friends who are only interested in you if your voice cries in union with their own and, is someone like that even your friend?
There are plenty of other lyrebirds out there in the world, plenty of gumtrees for you to sit in, and rather than taking the Matilde Waltz into some tar pit for integrity, I suggest that it's often better to break out the soap, wash your hands of the mess, and come back to it if, and only if, your voice is welcomed as an independent entity.
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