The Taste of Shoe Leather

The Taste of Shoe Leather:

And all other forms of shit you step in

Last night, I managed to make a, well meaning, ass of myself. In an attempt to sort through a cycle of rumors that had been running rampant in certain circles I know and just generally get to the bottom of things, I managed to go about being generally very offensive and sticking my nose in a place it had no, real, business. It wasn't comical, or even at all intentionally, and it's one of the few times I've ever offered up a genuine apology for something I've said. Being a man of many words I rarely make mistakes in how I use them, but this strategy was absolutely dreadful, horrible in fact. It had all the grand wisdom of a German invasion of Russia and fighting a multi-fronted war mixed in with the creationist dogma of back berg Sunday school teachings, and just the right dash of ignorant zealousness that you'd come to expect from a family of inbred picketing soldiers funerals like they were some form of a parade.

It got me thinking though, after the fact, of just how often this kind of things happens. We're only humans after all, nobody's perfect, and we often blunder through situations with all the care and grace of an Elephant stoned on a mixture of sedatives and several troughs of cocktails. I can't think of a single person who's said something, be it true or otherwise, who could say they've never been in this situation. Miscommunications do happen, no matter how hard we try an avoid them, but what do we do about them? Do we simply apologize and hope that the catch phrase is taken as sincere, even if maybe we don't mean it that way? Do we try and explain, or reiterate out points with less offensive clarity? 

To the first point, I say this: Apologize, only if you feel what you said was inaccurate, misplaced, or taken out of context. Apologies are like expressions of love, they're not designed to be thrown around like devalued American currency. They're precious and should be treated as such; rare jewels of retraction to be given out only when the payment is deserving of it. If you said something that you is an honest opinion, why apologize? It's not like you really mean it anyway, you're just sorry that your standards have, in some measure, offended someone. They're your opinions though aren't they, so why should you be sorry for having them? They're part of what defines you and should be stated, ready to be defended, whenever you feel the need -- just be ready for people to disagree with you, and to extend them that same soapbox when you're finished with it. If you can't do that, you should probably keep your mouth shut.

The same principle applies to truths as well. A truth is something that, for better or worse, should never be censored or withheld. We all have actions in our pasts -- it's a safe guess I'm no saint -- that we would rather not have be drudged up into the public light. When it happens though, what can we do but stand up and take account of the things we've done? That's the whole point of this entire post. I did something, to which I am to be held accountable. Do I regret what I said? No. I've no time for regrets. Would I have handled the situation differently, knowing the fallout? Probably, yes, but only because the incident was a genuine accident of oversight and poor observation. Does that mean I'm not sorry? Absolutely not. I'm horribly, genuinely, apologetic for what happened, and I should be. I communicated, again quite poorly, something that shouldn't have been a big deal if I'd handled it properly.

Everyone is capable of making a mistake, overlooking a fact, or just plain dropping egg on the carpet. We all know what it's like to have that slop on your face and the awful taste of old leather and shit digging into the back of your throat. Owning up to it is all that can be done, really. Saying: "Yes, I did this" is the only humane route left at that point. If you meant what you said? Take some semblance of pride in it -- again, be ready to defend your position and try not to do it with a shovel -- and stand tall behind your statements. If you didn't mean what you said, however, don't be so caught up in pride that you can't lower your own head and attempt to make the best of the shit pile you dug for yourself.

To the second point? Trying to re-explain the situation is noble, but don't think of that as excusing yourself from the obligation of accountability. Even if you do -- and it's not small feat -- manage to backtrack your words to a point that your intended perspective is more clearly seen, the initial statement still demands that attention be paid to it. It's all well and good to try and clear the fog around your words but that doesn't change the fact that you still said them. This process, it should also be pointed out, should fall under the same principles and pretexts of apologies. Don't try and weasel your way into a hole just because something you said, and meant, was inflammatory. 

Not everything you say will be agreed to by everyone you say it to, that's simple probability, and it shouldn't be either. If everyone all thought and felt the same, by in large, this would would be pretty well fucked. Diversity of thought is what promotes the higher learning, and it's the taste of feet and soot that reminds us "Well fuck...we're not always right." I don't think these things are ever bad, and too often is the trend seeming to be that we fall into a pattern of flight and hollow, flat, apologies for things that, at the end of the day, we want to know about -- and should. It's the conviction of passion that drives humans to greater heights of knowledge, even if we have to pursue it to beat someone else over the head with it later (to which they might not even notice).

So if you feel the need to jam your foot in your mouth? Do it. Don't even be ashamed of it, but think about it before you suck down all the nasty grime you drag your feet through. Do you really feel bad about what you said, thought, or expressed? If you do, ask yourself why you do. Sit down and think about what your motivations, debate your own perceptions, and come to an understanding on your own first. If you're still finding yourself in the wrong then, by all means, chew on your canvas sneaker -- but only after you've first accepted what you did to all those involved. Ownership is what gives words value and sincere expression is the only way to keep the inflation within any kind of acceptable parameters.

Words are precious, precious, things. They're the paint which you use to color your whole world, they're just how you show it off to those around you. Words are the currency of interaction, the key chemical component in all manners of love and relationships, the way we weave our soul into brightly colored tapestries of sound and song -- words are full of promise so, when you use them? Make sure you're not pissing all over yourself, your soul, and everything else in your world.