Regarding Friendships

Regarding Friendships:

Also, why what we want is how we should behave

 

I hate to do this, but I really need to put up a disclaimer. Oddly, it is relevant to the piece at hand. I started writing this about a week ago, week and a half ago maybe even. Since I began working on, taking breaks for mandated revelry, self-exposure, and exploration of the beginnings of a new chapter in my life, some unfortunate events seem to have befallen myself, and a peer of mine whose friendship I, very much, value. The specifics are not relevant beyond the other party in question but, because I feel that honesty and communication are important in friendships, I want to make sure that it's clear that this piece is not reactionary, nor should it be taken in any way personal by any one. While my writing is often littered with examples and lessons learned from my experiences with myself and others, it is never a platform to be scathing or slanderous to someone else. That is not how one resolves a difference one cares about and, if I didn't care about it, I sure as hell couldn't be convinced to write about it.

 

More and more lately, I've seen the questions about 'What does it mean to be a friend?' coming up more and more. I've been engaging these discussions well into the midnight hours, over drinks, cigarettes, grief, and with a sentiment of loss. I grant you, they've also come on the tailwinds of happy smiles and laughter; where the, subjective, truth of friendship has been presented with the brightest of honest and left little but merriment in its wake. The question remains however and, the bigger question of 'What do I want in the people I know?', still continues to loom in reflections on a sun bleached windshield.

It, much like the question of 'What is love?' and 'What is Faith?' is a remarkably personal question. It doesn't so much have a right answer in the grand sense of the word, but rather a micro-cosmos of factors and personal sentiments that are important to consider and deadly to ignore. It, like the other questions mentioned, also have one important factor in common, and it's really the part that should be understood first, less the questions become rather moot.

In order to have good friends you must know yourself.

This point isn't given some grand, grammatical, sentiment for no reason. You are the central figure in every area of your life. You are the thing that acts and, by the very nature of physics, causes reactions. You are the person you bring to every situation, the thing every area of your life will forever have in common. You have to know what you think. You have to know what you feel. You have to know what you believe and, just as important as all three of these things, you need to know why these are the truths you hold to -- and you have to be willing to accept they just might be wrong.

If you do not take the time to know, understand, and love that person, then anything and everything you bring to the table will, in some way or another, end up being a fraudulent misrepresentation of who you are as an individual. There are ways to make relationships being a person like this, but they don't present much in the ways of longevity. It's a house with a cracked foundation, where the tenants are all foreign to one another, no matter how many conversations they might have.

I will go on record to say it's not impossible to having a meaningful relationship with a stranger. All manner of adventures are possible among the company of people you don't know. You might take road trips on trains, or share sandwiches by the river. You might commit multiple crimes on a midnight burn to the ocean, listening to dogs respond to threats of being turned into Chinese food. You might simply extend a kind gesture and never sit around to be thanked. These are all relationships, albeit brief and with a well defined end point, but are they friendships?

In order to answer that question among strangers, you have to be willing to ask it of yourself. What makes a friendship? How do people define what makes a good friend? Is it someone who is always there with a kind word and a soft blanket? Is it someone who will tell the truth, even if the know it'll cut you deep? Is it a person who says nothing but always brings the party? If you don't know yourself it becomes impossible to know what you want. It's like serving food to someone you've never met, you don't even know what they like and there's a very good chance they're going to take your love and hard work just to toss it on the floor because  they don't like it. How can you determine what makes a good friend if you don't know what it is you want?

I know, the statement has been repeated a lot, but that's not for my benefit. Pay attention damn it. Knowing yourself is important.

Don't get me wrong, that first step, the one where you get to meet yourself, is not an easy one. It will be one of the most awesome and empowering things you've ever done. It will also likely terrify you. It's frightening to understand yourself in an honest light, to know what you're capable of and to know what it is you are actually capable of doing.  Admitting your faults makes them no less easy to fall into, you just better learn to put up signs along the side of your road -- things like: Warning, Surface Freezes Before Deck. These are important markers but, in no way will they prevent you from all of your own pitfalls.

Once the investment in yourself has been made, finding 'good' friends really isn't as complicated as it often seems. People have an uncanny gift for drawing in the things they want but, again, the importance of knowing yourself cannot be understated. If you're not aware of who you are then how can you be aware of what it is that you are projecting out into the universe around you? In essence, the person you know is the person you project. The person you project, if a stranger to you, is likely not going to draw you in the kinds and types of people you would want to meet.

Be confidant and humble about that person too. Yes, accept that who you are is good, so long as that who is the who you want to be in the present. Understand that you owe the good life you lead, which is a guarantee if you're being who you are, is something that you are responsible for bringing to yourself. Don't take it for granted, don't ignore it if it's not what you want, don't blame shift.

You are the lowest common denominator of your own existence. You are the thing to which all other things in your life are related. You are, in every situation, in some way, responsible for how you have ended up and what has happened to you. That  needs to be owned and accepted, in both positive and negative lights, as often as possible. Reflect on your life, see if it's bringing you where you want to go, see if you're helping yourself to get there, and understand where you need to do some work. Be willing to accept that you are not perfect, but never surrender to the notion that you're not capable. Strive always for better, and give yourself quarter only when reasonable. Don't cheat yourself out of the person you could become, just because it's easier.

Now, personally, I find that applying these same values to friendships (or any relationship really) is really the best way to ensure a positive, stable, and happy rapport. Tell people you like them, or love them, or appreciate them, and tell them why. Tell your friend you really love the way she carries herself with an unabashed panache, or your server that she's so on the ball with her drink suggestions and you really appreciate it. Tell your lover why you love them, tell your friends how important their friendship is  to you, but never neglect the why.

The 'Why' of the matter is where we find the honest humility in who we are. It's an acknowledgement of values, placed raw and laid bare, because it needs to be done. It's a respect shown, with zero expectation of return -- and never a harsh word spoken against the understood standard. It's what keeps us grounded in who we are, because we know why we think what we think and are willing to ask the question during the occasional personal review of ourselves. It is the question that makes us both great and small, and reminds us that it's important not to be in the way of our own why. Life is too short for that kind of betrayal.

So answer the why, of 'Why am I a good friend?' and be honest with yourself. Tell yourself the truth about the values you uphold as sacred in that bond, and never shy away from stating them. Tell people when they meet them, that you appreciate it. Tell people when you feel they've overstepped or mistreated a situation. Be fair, listen to be equal, and take great care when forming conclusions without first having a discussion. You might miss something wonderful, just because you were too caught up to be on the level. Don't be petty, don't rely on third party information. Be direct. Be responsible for the friendship, because that's the only way to prove it means anything to you at all.

So what does it mean to be a friend? I can't answer that specifically, because the answer is uniquely intimate to the person asking the question. You need to know your values and represent them accordingly. You need to be honest with yourself your wants and desires from the interactions you share, and you need to be willing to establish a generally unwavering standard on that position. When someone shows themselves to you, believe them -- but always be ready to be surprised. People have a knack for doing an awful lot of growing.

Beyond that? Acknowledge yourself. Acknowledge your friends. Be a present gift. Be observant. Be attentive. Be honest, and willing to say no. Hold fast to your standard, but never mistake it for expectation. Be wary of jaded judgements or the context of your past clouding your present. Know yourself and be willing to accept that no relationship is perfect, not even the one you have with yourself.

The people for me and the people I am for, a poetic essay for the curious.

The people for me and the people I am for:
a poetic essay for the curious.

It's been said, by many a wise mind, that you must know the people you are for, those to whom your character suits. You must also know the people that are for you. This has been heavy in my mind tonight, and so, I have decided to explain what it means, to you, and to myself.

It's been said that the only ones for me are the mad ones; the blind hellions, drunk on adventure, screaming their mind with  loud voices. It's been suggested for me the degenerates, freaks with a real sense of self and no quarter given to their temple. There's also been the notion that the people I am for are real twisted fuckers, people with stopped up ears and eyes stapled shut, people with heavy souls, people with rocky shores, people who need lighthouses to go home and yellow brick roads to lead them back to their own hearts. It's been suggested I'm ill suited to mass consumption, that I should be taken with caution and considered with care.

I say it's a pretty terrible thing to be compared to taking brown acid and Jonestown kool-aid.

The people that are really for me? They're the ones with loud voices, even if they shake. The people for me aren't mad, so much as lustful for life. The people for me give care and caution to world, and often to the  wind. The people for me are afraid, but admit it, and stare it down with self-righteous fury. The people for me come in many shapes and many sizes. Some carry bruises, others have a suitcase full of bad memories and a head full of horrible nightmares. People for me even show up with forged smiles, a monument to all the things they're trying to hide, and others show up with a shoebox full of snapshots, and a litany of reasons why they can't leave them behind.

The people for me are who they are, despite their reservation about it. The people for me set their sights and follow them with fervent excitement. The people for me are the ones who stand behind their convictions with a sense of pride, the ones prepared to listen and be wrong, the ones who aren't afraid to stare into the dark. The ones for me are the ones who don't believe in dying, but constantly shedding -- hermit crabs of a rather temporal variety who understand that, though the ride might be frightening, it's okay to close your eyes, you just have to keep hanging on. The people for me stand tall in their shame and glory, and come at it unabashedly and with seasoned vigor. The ones for me aren't the ones afraid of falling down, but they're afraid of not being able to get back up.

The people I am for? The curious risk taking fools who agree to step on the ride, are only allowed to do so if they bring a hat. There's a warning up front: Danger, it reads. It just might get loud.

The people I am for are the ones who queue up regardless of the hazard, the ones who already know the rules about strapping in; it's only to be done in the presence of genuine terror, and this also illustrates why the hat is so important. They understand why masks, regardless of shape, size, or color, are strictly forbidden. These are a hazard to other rides and, if you're found to be in possession of one, your ejection from the ride will be swift and unpleasant. They're the people who know the ride is crazy, and they're the ones who get off at the next stop.

The people I am for, are timid people, but brazen enough to stand in their own spotlight, even just for a minute. They are the people who will come and go, sometimes passing like strange ships passing on even stranger tides. They are people who accept their own fragility and bow out, their humility still in tact. They are people to whom I serve an entirely alien purpose, and when it's over? When it's over it's over.

Then, of course, you have the whole section of people who fall into an entire different category: People I should avidly avoid.

These people are the snake oil salesman of the modern era. They're the ones who claw and scramble their way to attentions, charlatans, and escorts straight into the deepest levels of hell. These are people who will swear by good intentions, swindle  from an ethical platform, and engage in primitive rituals, designed for the single, sinister, purpose: Casting a spell of fog and self deceit

These people should be noted for the unscrupulous sharks they are and identified at once. They're the people who peddle you cut rate promises and prices to good to be true. They're the dishonest dream dealers, and they're lower than the caricature of used car salesman. They will not hesitate to cheat you, it's in their very nature to be dishonest. They will attempt to appear as though they share your harmony, and they will never disagree with you for fear of losing your interest. They are people ill content to stand in the light, but ever seeking a shadow. They're a social vashta nerada, and they won't stop until you're a skeleton in a suit. They're a bad echo, coming from a deep well long since visited.

These are the people who will exit the stage in a huff of disgrace, and they'll likely try and tart it up as honor. They're people unwilling to take the hit from the frustration, just to follow the high road to which they claim to aspire. These are people who have fallen off, what they see, as the highest road and they have no real intention of ever getting back on again. These are the people will claim to leave with dignity, and these are people who will continue to  track that same, rotten smelling, shit where ever you let them walk.

It doesn't matter who you are, you will be one of these three people. Two types of you will form a venn diagram, with the third being notably absent and removed. Of those two groups, those who I am fit for, and Those who are fit for me, there will be some overlap. It's this ovoid figure,  where the magic really comes together. It's there where the right people live. It's here where the music's always running, the lights are always on, and home is always found.

These people are not exclusive to any one creed or archetype either, and that's a very real part of this whole idea. These people are not just mad screamers and risk takers, nor are they just people who stand up and simply are. For all their intentions, for all their purpose, they understand that none of us will remain unscathed. They understand that the ride is a ride, and should be enjoyed. They understand the fragility of permanence and the permanent encapsulation of a moment that can forever come from a song. They're people who's memories ring out like ballads. These are people who exist in your life, regardless of position and meaning, who don't have to have a point, but aren't afraid to ask why either.

..And they're not just for me either, they're for you too.

They're for everyone. They're the people who hear your song and add to it, making it brighter than better than before. They're the people who can talk about the 'good old times' and understand that tomorrow's just as good -- if not out and out better. They're the ones who step into your life and stay with you and, even if they're mad, even if they're not there forever, bring a real sense of magic  to your life. These people might even scare you, and you might scare them. You might be a messiah, you might be an otherwise ignored pip on a timeline of infinity. They might follow you to the end, or they might want to get off, but they'll be there to make some real magic when they're about.

Just make sure you know yourself otherwise, these people, those people, and all people, are forever going to made up imaginings of a frightened, dishonest, mind.

Don't do that to yourself, that's awful.

The Truth about The Future

The Truth about 'The Future'
And the tragedy of not having one

So, two thousand and twelve is over. For most everyone I know, this last year was a clusterfuck of bad news, worse times, and some seriously twisted politics. The whole world seemed to get caught up in a series of bad re-runs with each headline getting more depressing than the last. There was a series of coup d'etes of every make and model, bombings, fires, deaths, and the discontinuation of the Encyclopædia Britannica. We lost the first man on the moon, a handful of nobel winners, and an all around  treasured collection of athletes, authors, artists, engineers, and strangers. Sure, we landed on Mars, opened the tallest building in the world, had a man break the sound barrier without any kind of mechanical assistance -- but lets be reasonable and not ask anyone to remember that. However, to me, as a day-to-day, news reading, God fearing, apolitical, debaucherous, cynic, none of what made the headlines was anywhere near as disturbing as the news which I found among a large collection of my peers.

There are things that, to me, appear to be universal truths; not everyone will ever agree on everything, getting laid will always be a better time than paying taxes, people will break almost any law that is made, simply because the law exists to break, and there's always a chance for tomorrow, no matter what the implications of Carpe Diem, in its entirety, suggest. In the last year though, I have met people who seem to feel quite the opposite of the latter and that has made for some loud and serious thinking. Are there really people out there who genuinely feel like there's no future, and I don't mean in some, trumped up, disenfranchised, existentialist, 'the world is shit and I am nothing' kind of way, but people who really feel, think, and believe that there is no future? Now that's a fucking nightmare; a genuine modern tragedy of the era, and something I don't believe should be forgotten.

How does one end up with such a void of hope? You might think it's fear, which makes a lot of sense. The world seems to be  a place no one is happy with, at least not with spectator sport politics and seven hundred recalled channels of pharmacy grade Soma, so having hope might seem like a one way trip to depression  and bleak sunrises. I could swallow that and sleep at night, even if I didn't condone it. I could even handle a general sense of apathy, where people just didn't give a shit about tomorrow. There really wasn't much I could have heard as an answer and not sleep through unless it was the genuine belief that the future just wasn't there -- and that's exactly what I got. 

These weren't people who were living in destitute squalor either, but rather those who lived somewhat royally by common standards. They are people who have little worries in the affairs of shelter, or sustenance. These are people who have no shortcomings in the affairs of friendship, companionship, or family. These aren't people who are living in the midst of a constant pissing contest by warlords, or who are even harried by modern political themes. They're not poor, they're not living in bad neighborhoods, and they have a constantly queued collective of faithful practitioners ready and willing to lay down their time and tribulation to see these people's days filled with whatever manner of merriment they choose.

They are people who, for every angle I'm aware, and by their own testimony, have a life most of us long for as part of our cultural heritage. These are people who are living the true dream of life, chasing happiness however they see fit, and holding nothing back, and yet they speak of their own lives, their futures, with a sense of void that no words could begin to articulate. The genuine truth I heard was that there was, at the end of the day, only the end of the day -- and that idea has left me in nightmares nearly every night since.

I wanted to write it off as some kind of rebellious, anti-cultural, culture. I wanted to think of it as some kind of trite, neo-punk, or quasi-goth, anti-hipster, mindset. It would have been a lot easier to sleep if I'd been able to convince myself that was true. Believe me, I tried. Indulging in all manner of inhumanities and depravities, and trying to come up with some kind of twisted, crazed, half-drunk, logic that could make it all seem reasonable. The further the chorus shifted, no longer limited to the ranges of fringe elements of the world, the more I quickly realized jut how far this went. No amount of drinking or insomnia would wash this horrible mess away.

So what does one do, when they genuinely believe in a future, when presented with this sort of thinking? What do you do with all manner of people, from 'counterculture' to 'blue collar', start touting off about the pointless idea of future, momentum, or any slight semblance of hope? What do you do when you encounter people who are in stations most us would dream for, at least in principle, sit around and tell you how you're a damn fool for even thinking about tomorrow? Well, I'll tell you exactly what you do.

You see, life has a very real way of giving you what you give to it. If your days are filled with a blasé attitude about life, never giving credit to the wonders about you or tipping your hat to the bullets of existence you've managed to dodge, then it doesn't come as such a painful shock that the world holds no future for you. It's no different, really, than those people who spend their lives in a constant train wreck of failures because they're forever neck deep in their own bullshit. You have to keep going for tomorrow.

You have to have wants that you don't stick in a shoebox or block yourself away from because of the self-apparent hypocrisy of your own personality. You stop sitting around lamenting your closet fetishes for people you publicly deride, you bring them home and you fuck them with a wild abandon. You let go of your previous partners who've well moved on and stop making excuses as to why they're holding you back. You sit down in front of a mirror and you give up all your issues about gender and sexuality. You tell the secret object of your affections how you feel. You quit drinking, you do the thing you've always wanted to do, because that is your future.

You quit lying to yourself, you quit making excuses that make you seem justified in your inaction, you do that because you've already heard the biggest bullshit on the matter of stasis any of us are ever going to hear. You have to understand that it's stasis that kills the future. It's not a lack of hope, it's not a lack of want, but a lack of life and growth that kill the future. It's a denial of direction, for reasons that I will never even attempt to understand, that will break down the future. It is the fire of our passions that lights the way we will travel and without those things, either because we convince ourselves we cannot have them, that they are wrong, or whatever justification it is we give ourselves, we do, indeed, have no future.

Life is not bullshit unless all you feed it is bullshit. Think about yourself, think about your life, right now. Think about your aspirations, think about where you always wanted to see yourself, and then think about all the bullshit you've invented to keep yourself there. Now, think about the people who won't see a future, who can't because they choose not to at all. Look back at your bullshit, look at that choice. Take a good long look and consider this:

Those who admit to the choice of not having a future? At least they're being honest.