Shit

Celebrating yet another successful revolution around the Sun

See Also: Things not to ignore, forget, or take for granted ever.

This last weekend I had a birthday. I'd say it wasn't much of a party, but we all know that's not at all true. In a way that should come as no surprise to anyone, the day was rung in the same way it was wrung out.  Language barriers were broken and resurrected, people offered false well wishes as well as genuine ones. There were drinks aplenty. Some might even argue too plenty -- I make it a point never to ask those people so I couldn't say for sure -- and then there were truths both told and shown. There was food and film, conversational ingestion, and the whole thing got rounded out by a grass roots movement back to some honest ground. It was just the kind of thing one could expect after thirty ones years of a hallowed and holy existence and, as should come as no surprise at all, the whole thing washed out in a puddle of vomited leftovers somewhere on the back lawn near the piles of dog shit left as obedient presents. All in all, I'd call it a good party, a real good party, and the big one hasn't even happened yet. It was the solid reminder of all things right and true, all things believed and convincing, all things I want and celebrate, from the drinks right down to the dog shit.

So. I did it. I went around the sun again, which likely comes as an unfortunate surprise to some of you out there and equally as pleasant of one to far fewer. What, though, does that really mean? What have I done in the last year? Where have I been that I no longer am not? Where am I going? What am I celebrating? What's different? These are the questions that dogged me well into the waking hours of a hangover. They were the unflinching questions posed as I sat down to read the words of long dead poets; the words that fell down around dragged feet as I sat in a chair outside, curled up on a couch, ate and then purged myself of a long drowning sickness. They were the things I understood, fundamentally, that I had celebrated -- the questions that is -- and they're the things that filled me with an honest sense of self loathing powerful enough to fill a toilet bowl multiple times over.

And that, is, precisely, the point.

I didn't just survive another year around the sun, I celebrated it. I waded into its passing daily, I embraced it as it came and went. I looked forward through it as it passed through me into the rear view. I absorbed it as easily as I let it go. It sounds a bit arrogant, and perhaps a bit like I'm full of shit -- shit's probably going to be a common reference here, so pay attention -- but that was the understanding that was most strongly reinforced:

Perspective is nine tenths of the law, and not even the truth is exempt from it.

That's the meat of it and, subsequently, the shit all at the same time. It's what makes self perception one of the most dangerous things there is for a mind, and what makes self honesty so damn painful. It's the breakdown of the senses, the untangling of the massive weaves of bullshit -- see, I told you shit would be a them here -- and it's a fundamental requirement in living any kind of life you honestly expect to be happy with at all. Who you are, the life you lead, is ultimately how you perceive yourself to be and is only really ever called into question in two instances, which we'll get into here and now.

Instance number one. You question it yourself. This is good. It's a healthy process, it's important, and it's really the only way to know if where you are is where you want to be in life. It's asking yourself the questions of "Do I appear as I intend?" and "Is how I see myself the way I am or the way I wish I was?" There are others, to be certain, but these two seem to be the most pointed. They're not the same questions either, despite how they might look and easily be answer in much the same fashion, and both should always be answered honestly. The bottom line for this one is simple: If you lie to yourself when you ask yourself questions your answers will always be...say it with me now...Shit.

Lets assume, because frankly I'm a fucking optimist and it's what I want to believe, that you don't lie. Let us assume that you carry on with the truth, sit down in front of yourself and with yourself, and measure up your own behavior toward your actual goals. First of all, good for you. You got the hard part done right and maybe, just maybe, you did it without any kind of pandering or hand holding. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Don't get too comfortable though, the shit show is just beginning.

If you appear as you intend, if the way you see yourself is honest and can stand up to all scrutiny, celebrate that. Don't take it for granted, don't neglect it, and don't ignore it because, if you do, there is a very reasonable chance you might never be able to change it. If it doesn't change, if it can't change, then it's going to die and turn to, you guessed it, shit. That's the important part. Be flexible in your own perceptions and allow them to be challenged. Don't ever think you've ever got it, or yourself, all figured out. You don't. You probably never will. It would be a good idea to sit down and get comfortable with that fact, but don't you dare use it as excuse to sit there and not try. That's shitty.

Relative to this point is the understanding that you will always see a way in yourself in which you did, do, had done, or will do, something other than what you want, wanted, wished, or would have liked. That's normal. It's the swift kick in the shin that perspective will bring ninety-nine percent of the time. If you're not paying close attention, if you're not staying on the ball with this honesty, that kick may very will drop you into your own shit face down and continue kicking you mercilessly. If you enjoy this process? Seek professional help from a different Doctor. I don't have the kind of medicine you need and will turn off the open sign at once when I see you coming. Take that into consideration when dealing with point two.

It's really easy to convince yourself that the way you behave is the way you want to be seen. It's easy to say "This will get me where I want to go" -- which is an utterly useless sentiment if you haven't figured out where you want to go, by the way -- but is it really true? If you really sit down and can't find a single moment in your decisions where what you say might not be suspect to your own folly of arrogance, you're probably wrong. I know, that's some shit to hear, but you probably are very wrong. 

There are very few genuine questionings that ever end in black and white answers. The blacks and whites, the 'good idea' and 'bad idea' process respectively, is entirely tempered by your perception of events and, one would hope, the path of least resistance towards what you consider your goals to be. The very notion of being unwilling to consider that your self-perception is inaccurate starts a process process where convincing becomes easier than feeling (Before you ask, no, easier is not always the path of least resistance) and that willful clinging to an out-dated ideal sinks the whole ship. It's why maintaining an unwavering position of the self is doomed the moment you accept it. It'll leave you stuck, ankle deep, in a pool of your own shit, begging for a way out you couldn't see even if it was right in front of you, and all because it didn't fit with your ideas.

Don't do that to yourself. Don't let yourself get stuck in a rut of dishonesty and answers that you wish were true over ones that are, in fact, true.

Weighing in:

Weighing In:

The unfortunate truth about you, me, and all the people we don't know

So. The world we live in -- where do we even go with that? We'll get back to it, maybe.

I haven't touched this thing in almost eight months, largely due to the dedication of my efforts on other projects. So what brings me back here? Facbook and social media, at least today. A lot of my readers, if not most, I'm fairly sure come from Facebook. We're all peers in real life and we know one another. We talk, much like I would converse my points here, I just get more of a sounding board. Generally speaking, one reflects the other and the two build a comfortable back and forth that, again generally, leads to a betterment of oneself and a growth between friends. It doesn't hurt that it doubles as way for me to keep myself motivated, structured, and writing often either, but that's besides the point.

Facebook brought me back today. This may not seem irregular to some of you, but it is in a lot of ways. Normally, this blog is a place where I can carve out a refined thought. Sometimes it comes from conversations provoked by others. Other times it comes from questions or emails I received. Sometimes still it comes from news articles or social events (which I imagine this one will qualify in some way), but all this is getting painfully irrelevant. Today we're trying something a bit different. This isn't going to be some singular draft, off the cuff, barely checked for errors, 'I write it now and post it', blog post.

Today, this post takes the form of a comment I left as part of a discussion I had one Facebook. I suppose, perhaps, calling it a discussion is a bit unfair. What I really did was simply tack my idea onto a thread that had spawned from an article entitled "A Gentlemen's Guide To Rape Culture" that had been posted on the wall. That's all it is, a comment. It's not an article I wrote, it's not even so much an original idea. It's something I feel. Maybe it's wrong, maybe it'll get me set on fire by someone, I don't know.

What I do know is that I've been asked by several people (some readers, some not, what I think of this topic -- and I've decided to answer. For the sake of context (and comfortable anonymity) I'm not going to name names, or quote the comments that guided my reply. A general synopsis should suffice.

The commenter was (I presume) male and very upset by the notion that all men perpetuate rape culture. It was another reply that, in the shortest sense of explanation, insisted that not all men would do this kind of thing, that this was the most insulting thing he'd read, and then proceeded to list off a variable set of examples of women doing the same thing. Pretty typical back and forth about this issue, from how I've observed it. So, I figured, what the hell. It was relative to a close friend of mine (I promise to call you today by the way, if you're reading this. I suck with phones lately), in that she'd posted the article anyway, and I finally found myself entreated to reply.

I've avoided the discussion of this issue since I've yet to really establish just how I wanted to approach it, but, that's done now. So. Here's what I have to say.

"This is probably one of the only discussions on this topic I'd participate in. I hear a lot of the same sentiments being thrown around, "I'm not like that", I don't deserved to be judged like that", "This is hypocrisy!" and so on. I can't say that I find them all to be invalid, or that sweeping, blanket, generalizations about people are generally asking for trouble, but this article doesn't dive in to any of that.

Yes, I think there are a lot of people jumping on this issue in the last few years. I think it's an issue that's needed to be jumped on as well, to be quite frank about it. Yes, there are naysayers and people who are, unfortunately, adding a lot of negative light toward gender biases as a result. Yes, this issue is drumming up loads of biased hostilities on both sides of the line. Yes, people are saying a lot of very harsh things.

Do I agree with that? Absolutely not. Do I agree that I think these things need to be said to some degree? Yes, I do.

I don't condone a blanket, sweeping, sentiment about much short of Mass Murderers, Pederasts, and Rapists. Even those kind of statements, about what we can largely agree are monsters of people, on occasion do tend to get a little dicey. I think it's perfectly fair to want to stand up and distinguish yourself from that kind of thing -- but you're also kind of missing the point.

The bottom line really is that as a culture of people, by and large, we point the finger at individuals. I don't think many people would mince words over the fact that raping someone, anyone, is bad. We're fine with calling rape itself a bad thing, and that's a step. It's good that we know rape is bad. We'll judge a rapist by the deed, and for some people that's as close as they need to get.

Sure, okay. To a degree, I buy that. It's why we have things like registered sex offenders who have to knock on doors and let the neighborhood know. Some people even liked to tout how that was extreme, or judgmental even. It was something that was decided upon to help others feel safe in an environment and, regardless of whatever arguments one wants to make about rights in the situation, I'd call it fair.

But that doesn't stop people from getting raped, abused, or any of the other thousand of things that happen to people every day as a result of the culture we live in. The point of addressing 'rape culture' isn't to say "All men are bad" -- and yes, I'm aware that some people will take it to that extreme -- but rather to point the finger where it belongs: At the underlying cause of why rape has grown to such an absurd statistic.

I understand the sentiments that the "bad apples" have spoiled the bunch, I get the frustration that's there about it absolutely. I don't argue that men get raped, that not all men are rapists, or that being lumped into a stereotype really sucks. You can tout the line of disparity and unfairness all you'd like there, anyone can, and I'll say the same thing to all of them.

This isn't just about you, or me, or even about women who've been raped. This isn't just about people who get taken advantage of, or disrespected, or coerced. This is not even a movement for the victims -- and I'm frankly surprised at the candor many of them have expressed while it has gone on.

The addressing of rape culture, both previously and as of late, isn't to say "People get raped and that's fucked up." Anyone who isn't going to rape someone already knows that. Even if, and I have no idea the truth of the numbers, lets say 75% of the people on the planet would never perpetuate the circumstances that the discussion of rape culture refers to, that still leaves 25% of the people on the planet who would.

I don't know about you, but 25% of six billion people -- that's one and a half billion -- is still a pretty uncomfortable number of people to have roaming around the world. Even if you just took the population of the U.S. and applied those same numbers, you're looking at 79 million (rounded up) people who would (again, looking at exceptionally low ball numbers in my opinion), would do that kind of thing to someone else.

That's what this is about. It's about raising a standard of human decency and treatment. That's why it's so important to shine the light on these kind of issues. Some people, and I've known a few, really aren't even aware of these kind of things at all. I don't understand that, and I don't like being lumped in with them any more than I imagine anyone else who would never do this would -- and that's why I support it.

I understand the frustration, specifically coming from other males. I really do. Maybe you're not a man who would ever do these things to anyone else. Maybe you're right, maybe we should drop the gender biases from these issues and approach it more from a standard of generalized humanity. The facts, unfortunately, are the facts.

I'm quite sure there are unreported cases of men being raped by women. I'm quite sure, if you looked for it, you could find examples of that. I'm sure you could find the same examples, of the same behaviors, being perpetrated on men, and it probably wouldn't even take you that long. I'm confident there's merit to the "Well guys just don't talk about it" argument too, and I'm equally as confident that we'll get to that eventually...

But that doesn't change the simple fact that it is not the bigger problem. Nobody deserves to get raped. Again, we all agree on that. No one deserves to have their own comfort and security violated. No one should be forced into something against their will. These are basic human rights. If the numbers were reversed and this issue was predominantly male victims? I'd absolutely agree, this whole thing is getting unfair.

It's not. We're the smaller number. Sure, we're getting the raw end of the stick right now. Sure, we're constantly on the defensive and having to attempt to stand up as individuals and separate ourselves from the slime balls and degenerates who we want to make sure the whole world knows we're not like -- but how does that feel? It sucks, doesn't it?

That's the point this article, and the movement itself, is trying to accomplish. This, at least from what I've seen, isn't about individuals. It's not about who is, or is not, a rapist. It's not about who does, or does not, believe there are times when it is acceptable to expect people to do what you want them to do. It's not about the individuals who disrespect other people. It's not about the people who don't do it.

It's about drawing attention to the fact that it happens, and it happens a lot. It's why people, from all over everywhere, are stepping out to reveal things they've kept in the dark for a long time. It's why so many voices are coming together in union. It's not about pointing the finger at the people who perpetrate it, but more addressing the social and psychological ideas that have allowed this to explode into such an epidemic.

I think it's unfortunate, for sure, that is has gotten this bad. I think it's unfair that upstanding people are being lumped in with some really rotten eggs, but I still think the latter is a good thing. It's unfair for people to feel like they're being judged for things that they didn't do. It's unfair for men to feel generalized and brow beaten but, even if someone reading it feels they're not a part of this? Well, now that have a better understanding of how it feels don't they?

My advice? If you really want to make sure you're not being lumped in with people, make good and damn sure you're not acting like they do. Don't say "I'm not like that". Don't say "Not every man would do this". Don't make it about you. Don't make it about an individual. Take a stand against the bullshit things you see. Treat people better. Be respectful. Be known for it.

Separate yourself from the biases and generalizations by helping put an end to the behavior once and for all."

That's the bottom line, and I say this mostly to the gentlemen who feel that they're being unfairly judged. Hell, I'd say it to anyone who feels judged unfairly by a stereotype:

If you don't like it, do something to change it. If you don't want to be known for perpetrating these type of behaviors, don't perpetrate them.. Your peers will know. Your friends will know. If you don't like that the stereotype exists? Well, you're going to have to start working a lot harder to change people's minds. You are going to have to be the person who's known for standing up against these kind of things -- and no, just saying you are doesn't foot the bill.

You may not be responsible for why all this is going on, and that's wonderful. Good for you. Congratulations on being ahead of the curve. Now, sit down, pay attention, and listen to what is coming out of this movement. Pay attention to the wake up call it's trying to give. Listen to the horror stories and instead of whining about how you're not like that and this isn't fair. That doesn't help your case, or the case of anyone else for that matter.

Don't spend your energy complaining about how it doesn't apply to you. Don't waste your time trying to say how you're not like the people they are talking about. Chime in with them. Agree that it's wrong, do your part to put a stop to it. Don't try and invalidate the semantics of the statement. Don't try and defend your, not so unique, position. Don't feel the need to defend yourself from the statements people make, but rather take that same energy and use it to defend the people who you feel are being treated wrongly by your strangers, your peers, your friends, or your family.

TL;DR? If you're not part of the problem and people know it? Fine. Shut up. It's not about you. It's about the problem and you're not helping yourself or anyone else by trying to say it doesn't pertain to you. You will have to deal with someone in your life it does impact and, if you're really concerned with helping to reshape an image, you can do it by not putting up with the bullshit at all instead of just not doing it.