The hard notion at dawn

The hard notion at dawn:

A tale of black rabbits and the fortune of being human.

 

Sometimes, it seems, that being human is downright unreasonable. We're limited creatures, with limited means, limited time, and limited energy, yet we're hardwired to want to experience everything. It's impossible on the best of days, yet there's really no way to quell the hunger. It expands, it consumes, it always wants more. More what? More experiences, more memories, more moments we can hang onto in the withering hours of our physical selves. It's a maddening proposition -- and it's one of the best things about being human.

Death unquestionably underlines this sensation. It's a stark reminder of our frailty, that there may come a day when we realize there are moments missed, feelings we never expressed, and strangers we didn't get to know at parties. The rabbit represents everything left unchecked on our bucket list, it's the lovers we lost or, worse still, the ones we never found the courage yet to pursue. To put it in its most simplest form, it is regret.

In death, or simply in the day to day that follows (and it always does), it's easy to point out the futility, easy to latch onto the fear of uselessness. Everything dies and nobody can do everything, so what then becomes the point? Why take risks? Why put yourself out there, with your heart on your sleeve? Why take any chances on anything at all? The question of why becomes relentless and, again, that's one of the best things about being human.

The 'Why' is the drive. It's the question worth answering every time it pops up. Why take risks? Take risks because it's the only way to find out what's out there. Why put yourself out there with your heart on your sleeve? Do it because you just might forge some real magic. Why take chance on anything? You never know what could happen if you do and, to highlight the worst point of all, you might one day find yourself wishing you had.

It's not unreasonable to be afraid. The world we live in rarely lends itself well to this kind of optimism. People will burn you, betray you, even accidentally, and you can be damn sure a good number of them will disappoint, disgust, or otherwise repulse you. There's a clause to that though, a flip-side to all those points that is relatively essential toward living in a world with people like these and in times like we do.

That perspective? Not all of them will.

It's sensible these days, in a world so fractured by a sense of belonging that we all feel somewhat alien, to be afraid. It's sensible to not want to risk damages by being present, or by speaking words, or even by placing a kindness in the lap of a stranger. It's sensible to be afraid to fall in love or to change your job. It's sensible to want to keep your comforts, to keep the same roof and the same four walls beyond the same borders. There are innumerable reasons to not do anything and everything, but all those reasons come down to you -- and very few of them are fair to yourself.

What about it is so frightening? What about it makes you want to grab the brick and mortal, then dig a moat and build a wall? It's the question that needs be asked, though I don't in good conscience suggest it when you have anything to do the following morning. This question will lead you down some heavy roads, with fog so thick no light's going to get you all the way through. It's a scene from a bad movie, where the music has gone dead and you're just waiting for the monster to leap out of the darkness.

When it doesn't come, when the fog leaves only silence behind? Then there's something passing you by for nothing. What it ultimately comes down to you didn't ask, you didn't take a step, you didn't let yourself for whatever reason. Now a moment has passed you by, because the whole world has turned into your blind spot, and you're stuck with yet another check mark in the column of 'What if',

It's where the advocating for being selfish comes from. Maybe it seems arrogant to make the whole world about you, to center every action on yourself, and I can't argue that it isn't. What I can say is that it's often essential. You're not going to live forever, you don't have limitless opportunities to roam the streets with nothing but the blind hope of getting drunk on experience. You don't have an endless string of people you can let pass you by, slip through your fingers, or pass on because you're to afraid to open your mouth (or heart) and let the words come out.

You're human, you're hardwired for curiosity, to ask the questions, and there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with you thinking or over thinking a scenario until it literally has you crippled and immobile. It's not going to make you happy, you certainly can't plan for everything anyway, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with trying. The catch comes though with the idea that each moment you spend trying to think of what to do is a moment you spend not really doing anything.

You're human, you're supposed to do things. You're built to learn, to question, to travel, to adventure, to be curious, and to just go. Yes, sure, you've come a long way from the ocean and the trees, yes being prudent of possible misfortunes and bad ideas is impartive to survival and longevity, but what's the point of it always? What does always worrying about what could be get you, save the likely outcome of a handful of 'didn't'?

It's those 'times I didn't', those 'wished I had' moments, that lead to late night troubles and a constant checking to see where the sand is at on the hourglass. It's what leaves otherwise sensible humans sitting on back steps, smoking too many cigarettes while pondering. They're ghosts of a past left unattended, of a future unrealized. They're what makes the fear of putting your heart out there, of being hungry, of wanting more, feel so important. They're the things you want the least of when the black rabbit comes around.

So take a chance sometimes, be the unreasonable human that you are. Do things that drain the bank account for nothing but a  good time. Laugh with a stranger on foreign streets. Give yourself the chance to feel for someone who even just might be special and be okay if that person ends up being you. Hang onto your goals, but don't be afraid to change them and, most importantly? Recognize you're own irrationality, that your wants and hopes you so easily talk yourself out of, are just as irrational as the means by which you do so.

You're a fantastic and wonderful human being and, while there's absolutely no point in denying that your existence here is temporary, there's also no reason not to do everything you can to try and enjoy as much of it as possible. The worst that happens is that it won't pan out and that's always better than the gnawing hunger for the 'Could have been'.

Know your Drugs, Know Your Doses.

Know your Drugs, Know your Doses:
A cautionary tale about all the chemicals inside your head.

 The morning often comes as a pointed reminder of existence. It's where the debts of yesterday come due and we've often got no choice to pay them. Sometimes, this isn't at all a bad thing. Perhaps you've had a productive yesterday, perhaps you've fallen asleep in the arms of a wife you've made happy, maybe you finished a paper and, though you're waking up dog tired and wrung out, you can at least put the feather of accomplishment in your hat. Sometimes you're waking up, cursing the myriad of things you decided to pour into your head as you go stumbling in the shower. Sometimes you swear up and down you'll never do what you did again. Sometimes you decide to tip the whiskey bottle into the brown sludge that is your morning coffee and start the whole day over again -- because it was just that good.

Whatever you've done with your yesterday, whatever you're going to do with your today or your tomorrow, you've got that moment to take stock of the balance on your account. How's it feel? Where are you headed? What was it in that moment of past that put you where you were? What is it about where you're going that makes it where you want to be? Why is it, exactly, that you white knuckled the glasses last night? What about those eyes you stared into made you willing to sit there for hours? Were you cramming in your words into the witching hours because the pains of procrastination had robbed you of the opportunity to do something you'd rather be doing? Be honest with that moment and God help you if you don't. That kind of lie is the thing that's going to haunt you for so long as you try and avoid it.

Maybe you've done that. Maybe you're a line-toting teetotaler,  or maybe you're some bare knuckled loon, sucking down every last drop of emotion you think you can get your hands on. Maybe still, and worse yet, you're the type who cares not for the edge, because you regard your head as a shell for your consciousness. Or maybe you're the kind of jeering peacock who thinks all their best traits only shine after you've gotten your hands on some kind of bright coloring for yourself. Maybe you're taking your drugs because you like the way they make you feel, or because it makes it easier to be "you". Whatever you are and wherever you fall on the spectrum, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that you're being real about what's going on inside your head.

It's here that I'd like to take a bit of a pause, to make something nice and clear, and avoid coming across to some of you like a slack-jawed hypocrite.

I have mad habits, which are hardly limited to the fact that I smoke cigarettes whilst listening to loud music, believe in being brutally honest, or drink Gin in foggy glasses, that I wouldn't advocate to most people. They're my vices, and I've studied them enough to know how to handle them.  I'm aware of my doses. I know my limits, and I know when I can push them. This is because I've sat down and been real with how far I can go, where my edge is, and what happens when I go over it. I know the dues I pay for the cigarettes I smoke. I know the tax I'm going to get for the drinks I pour. I know the creak and rattle that sometimes show up in my head are due to decisions  made long ago, where the fees are still pounding on the door like a bill collector who Sunlights as census taker.

In short, and to be somewhat titular, I know my Drugs, I know my Doses. I've taken the time to consider what I do and why I do it. I keep the car well maintained and tended so that, if the moment comes where I'm speeding toward an edge I do not want, the brakes still work and everybody gets to walk away with little more than an affirmation of life. I know why I take them, I know what I want to get out of them, and I'm completely uncompromising in my hold of the wheel. It's an important understanding when dealing with drugs, and it brings us to the point of what matters when you're looking at them.
 
What matters is the reasoning for your motivation. What's bringing you to dose yourself? What's making you not? Maybe you've walked away, maybe you picked up a shovel, dug a hole, and filled it with everything you could get your hands on. Maybe, in some vain hope of finding substance in the triviality, you've convinced yourself that this is the way forward. Maybe you're not interesting without it. Maybe it's the only way you can create, or function, or make it through the day. Maybe you've never touched drugs -- a fact which I very much doubt for reasons we'll get to in a moment --  It's the why of the drugs you take, and it's those drugs I want to get serious with for a moment.

I'd go out on a limb and assume that this is taken as some discussion about the various forms of alcohol, pills and other such unmentionables, and about how people use them. It's no secret that I drink, or that I've suffered the response to poor life choices and the staggering headache that is biting off more than you can chew. Nobody's here to deny or debate that Heroin is going to damage to your life, or that Marijuana's no less harmful than anything else you might choose. I'm not here to tell you that you should, or should not drink. I'm not going to advocate smoking, I'm not going to tell you to go hunting down whatever you're curious about either. This is your life, these are your choices. You're not being judged for these choice but they're not what we're talking about here either.

The way your face hurts from laughing too long at a moment when you just couldn't help yourself? That's a happiness hangover. That rush you of delight and world lifting joy you feel post orgasm? Drugs. That hopeless feeling you get when you're tasting a bitter spoonful of loss? That too, is a drug. It's a framed perspective on reality that, though it might not help you, might just give you a new way of looking at yourself. It's not every day we think about our emotions or our thoughts as drugs but, when you think about it, that's exactly what they are at the end of it all.

Dopamine, Serotonin, and the horde of other neurotransmitters? They're cues and responses our brains cook up in response to a situation. It's no different than the way your head takes to spinning after one too many hits from the Tequila bottle, or the way you find the volume of everything turned down when you've washed down your handful of daily prescriptions. They're chemicals that change the way you think, alter the way you feel, and change the way you see the world. They're the host to many of our emotional responses and the medium by which we react to them.

It's these drugs, one like sadness, happiness, love, and so on, that we need to be the most aware of really. They're the things that will come about regardless of your extracurricular activities or what you get up to in your late night hours. Life will happen to you, it'll impact you, and it'll spoon food you these drugs to convince you of all manner of nonsense. You'll see the world through a fog that's ten times worse than anything you could even imagine when you hear the phrase 'bad acid trip', you'll believe things that are hopeless and impossible, and all manner of reason and logic will be abandoned like a car that died on a logging road hours from anywhere worth mentioning.

Say you just got out of a relationship or you just found yourself hopelessly falling in love. We've all been there, and it's an easy example to use as a baseline (especially today). Think about it. Where has it gone wrong? Where has it gone right? Are these honest responses to where you're at? Look at the happy couples who've made promises for the long haul and the thick and thin, and look at the ones who've fallen flat on those vows. It seems to me that the predominant difference between column A, the ones who made it, and column B, the ones who didn't, is pretty clear. Someone was honest about the drugs they felt, separated themselves from it, and made a decision, and someone got caught up in the addiction and didn't see it coming.

This model is applicable far outside of the affairs of love, as I've said. Every emotion, especially the ones that feel intense, overwhelming, or perfect in every way, really falls under that banner. It's a drug you're getting in response to a stimuli. It's not a whole lot different than sticking that rolled up dollar bill up your nose, of chewing on a bit of cactus really. You're not going to be any more rational or forward thinking unless you can be honest with it and, if you ever forget that you're on drugs? Well, that's it, life as you know it is over. You've hit the crossroads where it's all going to change -- and that's not at all a bad thing.

Being honest with yourself about the fact that your own drugs becomes the easiest way to handle their effects (we'll get to the other side of that coin in a bit). This truth is Universal when talking about all of them, from the endogenous ones to the ones cooked up in dirty basements by people you wouldn't even think about talking to at a party. If you don't like the way an event makes you feel, just like if you don't like the way you behave when you're drinking? Stop subjecting yourself to it. Get a grip on your bootstraps and pull yourself away from it. Stop doing the drugs you don't like and stop putting your brain in situations where it's got no choice but to be flooded with them.

As an example: You feel like you're no good because all you can do is follow the draw of unattainable people? That's the drug of insecurity.  It's your brain setting you up to sabotage you because of how you see your own sense of worth. Sure, there's the argument here that maybe you should consider therapy or counseling, but what about the simple idea that you're just on drugs? What you're telling yourself is not a thing there is any reason for you to believe. Do you know the object of your affection is beyond your reach? Have you asked him/her? Have you taken your concept of reality and put it to the ultimate test? If you haven't, you've got to remember that you are just on drugs and due to said drug your perception of reality might be entirely skewed. Don't listen to the drug. Talk to them anyway. If it turns out the drug was telling you the truth? That's unfortunate for you and now you've got to pick yourself up, clean the egg off your lapels, and get right back out there.

As another: If you feel like you're capable of anything, are entirely desirable, and can have whatever you want. Welcome to the spiraling drug of Ego. Ego, in particular, is a dangerous one. It possesses and impossible power for convincing you the world is exactly the way you see it. This is almost never the case and that's simple fact. You can't see the world from any eyes other than your own, it doesn't matter how good your empathy is, and there's no way to know all the details of everything everyone around you might be thinking -- especially when you have no idea what drugs they're taking too.

Another of the dangers of the Ego-Drug is that it's so useful. That white rush of confidence? The belief of indestructibility, that everything is right in the world? It's this same rush that junkies of all shapes and sizes have been chasing since we figured out how to get high. When you find yourself in that position it's vital that you take a step back, remind yourself that you're on drugs, and re-examine where you've found yourself. Are you being genuine in your ambition, or are you just some doped up bull charging forth in a stream of vomit and broken china? How is your sense of indestructibility affecting those around you? What effect will it have on those you leave behind?

Again, know your drugs, know what effect they have on you. Keep an eye on them, keep an eye on yourself when you're on them. Do you like the way you act? Do you like the decisions you make? Does the drug your on bring you a real sense of satisfaction, or is that just the drug whispering in your ear? Take as much time with this question as you're able with this question. As a further element of caution, and in keeping with the overall themes here, be honest with this question.

Lying, especially to the self, is the sweeping craze of the streets these days. It's the designer drug that can make you feel like whatever you think you need to feel like and, just like sticking needles in your arm or taking that last hit of Acid that sends your sanity spiraling off the deep end, it can lead your life down a dark road of ruin. When you're on drugs, emotions or otherwise, things get serious. You can't afford to fuck around with yourself, and you sure as hell can't think you can control it. It's where the importance of knowing your drugs and your doses comes from. If you can't rationally argue to yourself that you're on drugs and what you're thinking might not be the best idea? Seek help, immediately.

You've got to put the breaks on  that kind of thing at once. Sometimes it really is as simple as sleeping it off is the best an easiest approach here, and it's my primary advice. When you feel like you've hit that wall, check out. Punch your time card, get out of where ever you are, put your head down, and let it go. Often times that check will give you time to recalibrate and come back to reality.  You're still going to have to make  a decision though and, as a veteran of many an emotion, there is nothing worse than being locked in a drug induced prison of indecision. This will inevitably lead to a white panic, but don't worry. You're going to be all right, just remember, you're just on Drugs. Think about how big a dose you're handing yourself, and figure out how to hold it together.

The silver lining though? It's no defense for poor decision making, it doesn't matter if you're talking about drugs or emotions, but you are just on drugs. The best defense you're going to get is a plea of temporary insanity, and that's not a thing you want in your everyday life. I'll even be honest and suggest that, sometimes, that's a fun place to be. When you just let yourself go, indulging in the biggest overload of the good life you can? I can't say that sort of hedonism doesn't have value, and that's totally giving into the drugs of emotions. But it's a dangerous wave to ride, and not too different from play Russian Roulette.

The wave, as it were, is another example of the importance of stepping back and taking another look is so important. Is it really the good life? What is it comprised of? What makes it good? What are you doing to sustain it? It's easy, when feeling like you're on top of the world, to overlook things. It's easy to forget that calm is an emotion, a drug if you will, and deserves just as much of a look as any other. Sometimes this look, especially if you're smack dab in the middle of a peak, will be traumatic. You will find that everything you once saw so clearly is suddenly not so. The horrific monster you've just seen while tripping off your own emotions? Don't be surprised if that becomes some unpleasant revelation truly comes when you realize something about yourself that you don't like. As a wise friend of mine once said "Meeting yourself is one of the most awesome and terrifying things you will ever do."

But, again, remember: You're just on Drugs.

It's not an excuse to act foolish, but you will. It's not an excuse to leave yourself indecisive to the point of misery, but you will. Emotions are powerful drugs that can become crippling addictive. They're the vice no human can escape from, and the thing we're all doomed to wrestle with until we ramble on to whatever is next.  Sometimes they'll freeze you in your tracks and make it impossible to move. That's okay. Everyone who's taken Emotions  has been there. Don't kick yourself because it happens to you, it happens to everyone, or at least everyone who cares about where they're going. It's being wary of the greener grass, making sure it's not just AstroTurf. It's looking at what's around you and why it's so good. It's being honest about the fact that you're always on drugs, and figuring out how to nail down the ones you want and how you're going to get there. It's about the moderation in all things, even in moderation. Don't be afraid of the good time, but stop thinking you're not worth it too.

You're going to miss out on some good times, you're going to get stuck in some bad ones. You're going to get fucked up from time to time, by nothing but your own head. Even if -- nix that -- Especially if you don't think this could happen to you, you're wrong. You won't know where to go or what to do, but, really it's going to be okay. You've got to find your way back to the ground, figure out where you want to go, and maybe calm down a little bit, but I promise it's true. You might be caught in some weird fever, but you can come out of it. The drugs will wear off, and there's all kinds of people out there who stumble through it just as badly. There are people out there who can help, including you. Don't try to deny you're out there. We're all out there.

To bring the point back home, that's why you've got to know your drugs and know your doses. Know what you can handle when you sit down. Draft up you're boundaries, but don't be afraid to flex them from time to time. Be reasonable with yourself and be honest about what you've done. Accept that you will do stupid things for no acceptable reason, but know that your value isn't determined just by what you didn't do right. Be wary of building yourself cages with your own feelings, and cultivate friendships that will be there when you cry for legitimate help. Get stupid with laughter, keep yourself from getting stupid with sabotage. Drink deep the nectar of the good life, but remember it's got it's tax too, and never, ever, forget the important one.

No matter what you're feeling? You're just on drugs, and sometimes that's exactly where you need to be.

Deviance and the Long Goodbye

Deviance and the Long Goodbye

What I learned that I want to share in Twenty-Fourteen.

Let's all take a moment to appreciate that another year is over. You had your Birthday at some point and, even if your being born is the only thing you can say about this year, let's hope you have something good to say about it. It's melody is gone now. Soon we'll be moving on to new songs at the top of the charts. Soon there will be new, eye catching headlines. Soon you will be facing an entire new set of challenges -- at least if you're lucky enough to have figured out that the good life takes work that is. So take a moment, take a look back, and see what the year held for you. Make sure you've got it firmly in the rear view, or I fear a lot of that which follows, might make very little sense at all.

Nostalgia's got a real dastardly way about it. It has this beautiful way of being an endless fountain of hope and can be the infinite source of strength for us as humans. It's a means by which we can comfortably benchmark the moments in life that we enjoy the most. Life, after all, really is about being enjoyed. It's only natural for us to look back at the moments that helped define it. I'd go one better to say it's a damn good idea. Keeping your eye on the prize is important, but you've got to remember the trick: What you're going for? It's not the experience, it's the feeling. That feeling's what you're looking for and that feeling has an obnoxiously high level in skill when it comes to hiding how much of a bear trap it can be.

Keeping one's thoughts and feelings -- and God help you if you do it to your heart -- stuck in that place is never going to be a benefit to anyone. Time passes, the world keeps turning, and we change. Through the wind and the rain of the cold, dark, nights, to the warm spring meadows, and snow crunching under the tires, we all change. Things happen to us, memories are born, bad things happen, sometimes we even get scars -- and those are much easier to get when you're not looking where you're going. The only way one goes through a year of life without change is if one is willful and resolute in their own indignation and refuses to allow or accept the slightest change to their path or structure.

I will say it once, but I will say it as clearly to you, the reader, as I can: Avoid these people like the proverbial fucking plague. This isn't spoken out of any kind of toxicity toward the type we all know, this is a general warning. People who would rather dig their heels in than feel the shift of the rock we're all on? That's a dangerous level of self delusion. Nobody's got that kind of power and, if someone claims they do? You back away from that crazy fuck in a hurry. No one should be trusted to be that drunk on their own ego, and we all know what happens to the right hand of the power hungry, mad, King. This is not a place you should ever want to find yourself and, should you ever, make a hasty exit.

To do that, however, there's a thing that's got to be done. It's not an easy one for a lot of people, myself included. but it's the bottom line of the issue. We've really got to stop being afraid of saying Goodbye. It's an issue we allow ourselves to wrestle with too often, and in ways that are just plain bad for us. It's what our hurdle with death ultimately becomes, it's what keeps us in abusive and unhealthy relationships. It's what makes us stay in shitty towns we hate, working jobs we hate. It's what makes 'unfriending' -- which stands as the great sign of all relationships in our era -- such a gigantic slap in the face. 

This lack of decisive goodbye, which is really the immediate deviation from some part of our current path, is all about the choice to let the moment draw out in awkward absurdity rather than to be direct. There's a laundry list of excuses, justifications, rationalizations, and perfectly good reasons why we do it. Sometimes it's down to a question of our own worth and confidence. Sometimes it's where we're comfortable, and we talk ourselves out of it. Sometimes we've grown an anchor and we just can't bring ourselves to cut the mooring lines. Whatever the reason, when you find yourself there, -- and you will -- it's very important to be realistic.

You're stuck. You've got to accept that, for the moment and in the situation, you're judgement is completely flawed. You're be better off trying to make life decisions stone drunk on good scotch, while you're stranded out in the middle of the desert. How you got there? Well, that's easy. You got there by your own action or lack thereof. That's how we all end up where we are and we're the only means to our egress . So, if we're in a situation where we wish we weren't anymore, but we can't bring ourselves to make an exit on our own? See the earlier statement. Stuck. Fucked. Flawed. 

And that entire feeling is absolute shit.

You are never, really, stuck anywhere. Maybe you don't want to give up the things you would have to, but that's your decision. It's your choice to weigh the scales and make your moves. If you don't like the way a situation is sizing up, then be honest about that. All you're doing is drawing out the death of a moment because saying goodbye to him, her, it, them, has become too awkward. Self improvement through change is a social trait that has now been relegated only to people willing to fuck others over and this idea, that somehow we're not worth wanting and getting a better life for ourselves has absolutely got to stop.

Goodbye has a painful hitch to it, but why? What's so bad about time passing, about experiences and being changed by them? What's so wrong with wanting different things out of life, about wanting that immediate deviance from the road we're on? What does it matter if we want new scenery, deeper cups, and or even the more simplistic, more comfort? These are things we all should want, should we find our current to be less than we're willing to accept -- and they're exactly the kind of things that make Goodbye seem like such an act of ill will to so many.

And, much like the feeling of being trapped, that is aboslute garbage.

Goodbye absolutely can be an act of ill will. Selfish indignation, judgements, condemnation, these are all examples. Again, this is where that being realistic is going to come in. Is it really what's happened? Think about the last time someone told you goodbye. Was it in the heat of an argument? Was it after some major transgression? Do you even remember what happened, or is that you just don't talk anymore? Finally, and most importantly, what was your role in that situation? Or maybe, just maybe, you're one of the lucky ones that had it come at the end of an adult conversation. If you are? Stand up and take a bow. Congratulations on your ability to human.

More likely than not, I'd wager. The Goodbye came as some awkward drifting. There were periods of lament, where conversation never really happened and time spent only led to after hours complaining to anyone who would listen. It's this, common place, acceptable, behavior that makes Goodbye seem like such a bad thing. It's the way we go about it, trying to be overly polite and spare feelings. It's stepping on someone else to put yourself up in a new set of eyes. It's a vicious, rat bastard, move -- and it works. It works because it's simple, because it's indirectly confrontational. It's getting to take the high road, or so you like to tell yourself anyway.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having life change you in a way that draws you away from someone, someplace, or something. Maybe you've decided to take up hobbies to better yourself, or give up a part of your lifestyle because you just don't like it anymore. That's a perfectly good reason to say Goodbye to something and, if you're really interested in taking the high road, you should be honest about it. What's the worst that's going to happen? You're moving on to a new situation, which is more in line with the life you want for yourself,  or the situation will adapt to work with you.

Word to the wise, infuriating as they are? If you're not honest, you're really never going to get the latter.

The truth of the matter is that, by drawing out this act for whatever reason, you are doing a disservice to whatever might have been there. Whatever existed once, the thing  to give you something to feel bad about saying Goodbye to, allowing for the awkward, slow death, goodbye, is...well, it probably says a lot more about you than you'd want.

If it's a job, are you really going to work all that hard at it anymore? If it's a place, is it really going to be anything you'll be able to enjoy if you don't want to be there? If it's a person, or people? Are you really going to be able to honestly be there for those people, or do you thing you'll always just find yourself drifting off whenever they start to talk? If it was a thing, are you going to be able to treat like you feel it deserves? Even drugs and alcohol, which generally hold positions of some reverence if they get in deep, can be treated this way. Can you respect it and have it in your life? If the answer is ever no, then think about what you might be doing to the person/place/thing/self by allowing the presence to remain.

Once more, it's important to be realistic about this process. Look around you. Have you changed? What's different? What are you not getting out of your current existence? What's missing?  Do you have to change in order to get it? Is this something you really want, or is it the late night paranoia of a winding clock? You've got to look at yourself and make good and damn sure you're happy with the answer. It's part of that whole, being honest with yourself, thing. You're going to have to reap what you sow, and that should never detour you from doing what you need to do for yourself.

Life is capable of infinite deviance. With it's long and winding highways offering late night rest stops, in parts of the world you'd never even think to visit. With wet tires and the pedestrian clutter of our everyday, it's impossible not to step into something that will change you. If and when, because it is a when, this leads to a crossroads? Don't be afraid of Goodbye. Tell the truth to yourself about why, and tell the object that you're saying goodbye. Enjoy the fact that time has passed and you have changed, live the dream, understand you're worth it. Now is never the moment to let yourself get anchored to a thing that is outside your scope of want. That's an act that belongs in yesterday, but never, ever, in tomorrow.  

Be done with the Long Goodbye. Be a better friend than that to yourself. You deserve the life you want.You're going to have to work for it, but you're worth the effort. Life's too short to do anything else. Time will pass and everything will change. It's okay to want to change along with it. It's okay to deviate away the norms of your time, it's okay to want what you want -- with the footnote of 'so long as it doesn't hurt anyone' only applying to matters of stopping someone else. 

Life the life that you want and believe is right, and let everyone else do the same. Chase the end of your highway until you want to change your route. Be forthcoming and forthright with your actions and intentions. Be clear in your thoughts. Be open with your feelings. Be honest with yourself and then apply this to everything else in your life. Put the phone down and talk, make sure you're being heard -- and make sure you're listening. Put it all in perspective, sit down with it, get comfortable, and really look.
 
If you find a circumstance has shifted outside of that? Examine it and leave it behind. Don't drag it out. Be careful of greener grass and excuses to flee, for sure, but don't be the kind of person to drag a memory through the filth of an unclean death either. That kind of ending is the extra, rusted, tooth on that bear trap of nostalgia. It'll taint every memory of the time you have because it ended on such a jagged note -- and there are few things worse than a past littered with the sharp parts of broken songs.