Regarding Friendships:
Also, why what we want is how we should behave
I hate to do this, but I really need to put up a disclaimer. Oddly, it is relevant to the piece at hand. I started writing this about a week ago, week and a half ago maybe even. Since I began working on, taking breaks for mandated revelry, self-exposure, and exploration of the beginnings of a new chapter in my life, some unfortunate events seem to have befallen myself, and a peer of mine whose friendship I, very much, value. The specifics are not relevant beyond the other party in question but, because I feel that honesty and communication are important in friendships, I want to make sure that it's clear that this piece is not reactionary, nor should it be taken in any way personal by any one. While my writing is often littered with examples and lessons learned from my experiences with myself and others, it is never a platform to be scathing or slanderous to someone else. That is not how one resolves a difference one cares about and, if I didn't care about it, I sure as hell couldn't be convinced to write about it.
More and more lately, I've seen the questions about 'What does it mean to be a friend?' coming up more and more. I've been engaging these discussions well into the midnight hours, over drinks, cigarettes, grief, and with a sentiment of loss. I grant you, they've also come on the tailwinds of happy smiles and laughter; where the, subjective, truth of friendship has been presented with the brightest of honest and left little but merriment in its wake. The question remains however and, the bigger question of 'What do I want in the people I know?', still continues to loom in reflections on a sun bleached windshield.
It, much like the question of 'What is love?' and 'What is Faith?' is a remarkably personal question. It doesn't so much have a right answer in the grand sense of the word, but rather a micro-cosmos of factors and personal sentiments that are important to consider and deadly to ignore. It, like the other questions mentioned, also have one important factor in common, and it's really the part that should be understood first, less the questions become rather moot.
In order to have good friends you must know yourself.
This point isn't given some grand, grammatical, sentiment for no reason. You are the central figure in every area of your life. You are the thing that acts and, by the very nature of physics, causes reactions. You are the person you bring to every situation, the thing every area of your life will forever have in common. You have to know what you think. You have to know what you feel. You have to know what you believe and, just as important as all three of these things, you need to know why these are the truths you hold to -- and you have to be willing to accept they just might be wrong.
If you do not take the time to know, understand, and love that person, then anything and everything you bring to the table will, in some way or another, end up being a fraudulent misrepresentation of who you are as an individual. There are ways to make relationships being a person like this, but they don't present much in the ways of longevity. It's a house with a cracked foundation, where the tenants are all foreign to one another, no matter how many conversations they might have.
This point isn't given some grand, grammatical, sentiment for no reason. You are the central figure in every area of your life. You are the thing that acts and, by the very nature of physics, causes reactions. You are the person you bring to every situation, the thing every area of your life will forever have in common. You have to know what you think. You have to know what you feel. You have to know what you believe and, just as important as all three of these things, you need to know why these are the truths you hold to -- and you have to be willing to accept they just might be wrong.
If you do not take the time to know, understand, and love that person, then anything and everything you bring to the table will, in some way or another, end up being a fraudulent misrepresentation of who you are as an individual. There are ways to make relationships being a person like this, but they don't present much in the ways of longevity. It's a house with a cracked foundation, where the tenants are all foreign to one another, no matter how many conversations they might have.
I will go on record to say it's not impossible to having a meaningful relationship with a stranger. All manner of adventures are possible among the company of people you don't know. You might take road trips on trains, or share sandwiches by the river. You might commit multiple crimes on a midnight burn to the ocean, listening to dogs respond to threats of being turned into Chinese food. You might simply extend a kind gesture and never sit around to be thanked. These are all relationships, albeit brief and with a well defined end point, but are they friendships?
In order to answer that question among strangers, you have to be willing to ask it of yourself. What makes a friendship? How do people define what makes a good friend? Is it someone who is always there with a kind word and a soft blanket? Is it someone who will tell the truth, even if the know it'll cut you deep? Is it a person who says nothing but always brings the party? If you don't know yourself it becomes impossible to know what you want. It's like serving food to someone you've never met, you don't even know what they like and there's a very good chance they're going to take your love and hard work just to toss it on the floor because they don't like it. How can you determine what makes a good friend if you don't know what it is you want?
I know, the statement has been repeated a lot, but that's not for my benefit. Pay attention damn it. Knowing yourself is important.
I know, the statement has been repeated a lot, but that's not for my benefit. Pay attention damn it. Knowing yourself is important.
Don't get me wrong, that first step, the one where you get to meet yourself, is not an easy one. It will be one of the most awesome and empowering things you've ever done. It will also likely terrify you. It's frightening to understand yourself in an honest light, to know what you're capable of and to know what it is you are actually capable of doing. Admitting your faults makes them no less easy to fall into, you just better learn to put up signs along the side of your road -- things like: Warning, Surface Freezes Before Deck. These are important markers but, in no way will they prevent you from all of your own pitfalls.
Once the investment in yourself has been made, finding 'good' friends really isn't as complicated as it often seems. People have an uncanny gift for drawing in the things they want but, again, the importance of knowing yourself cannot be understated. If you're not aware of who you are then how can you be aware of what it is that you are projecting out into the universe around you? In essence, the person you know is the person you project. The person you project, if a stranger to you, is likely not going to draw you in the kinds and types of people you would want to meet.
Be confidant and humble about that person too. Yes, accept that who you are is good, so long as that who is the who you want to be in the present. Understand that you owe the good life you lead, which is a guarantee if you're being who you are, is something that you are responsible for bringing to yourself. Don't take it for granted, don't ignore it if it's not what you want, don't blame shift.
You are the lowest common denominator of your own existence. You are the thing to which all other things in your life are related. You are, in every situation, in some way, responsible for how you have ended up and what has happened to you. That needs to be owned and accepted, in both positive and negative lights, as often as possible. Reflect on your life, see if it's bringing you where you want to go, see if you're helping yourself to get there, and understand where you need to do some work. Be willing to accept that you are not perfect, but never surrender to the notion that you're not capable. Strive always for better, and give yourself quarter only when reasonable. Don't cheat yourself out of the person you could become, just because it's easier.
Now, personally, I find that applying these same values to friendships (or any relationship really) is really the best way to ensure a positive, stable, and happy rapport. Tell people you like them, or love them, or appreciate them, and tell them why. Tell your friend you really love the way she carries herself with an unabashed panache, or your server that she's so on the ball with her drink suggestions and you really appreciate it. Tell your lover why you love them, tell your friends how important their friendship is to you, but never neglect the why.
The 'Why' of the matter is where we find the honest humility in who we are. It's an acknowledgement of values, placed raw and laid bare, because it needs to be done. It's a respect shown, with zero expectation of return -- and never a harsh word spoken against the understood standard. It's what keeps us grounded in who we are, because we know why we think what we think and are willing to ask the question during the occasional personal review of ourselves. It is the question that makes us both great and small, and reminds us that it's important not to be in the way of our own why. Life is too short for that kind of betrayal.
So answer the why, of 'Why am I a good friend?' and be honest with yourself. Tell yourself the truth about the values you uphold as sacred in that bond, and never shy away from stating them. Tell people when they meet them, that you appreciate it. Tell people when you feel they've overstepped or mistreated a situation. Be fair, listen to be equal, and take great care when forming conclusions without first having a discussion. You might miss something wonderful, just because you were too caught up to be on the level. Don't be petty, don't rely on third party information. Be direct. Be responsible for the friendship, because that's the only way to prove it means anything to you at all.
So what does it mean to be a friend? I can't answer that specifically, because the answer is uniquely intimate to the person asking the question. You need to know your values and represent them accordingly. You need to be honest with yourself your wants and desires from the interactions you share, and you need to be willing to establish a generally unwavering standard on that position. When someone shows themselves to you, believe them -- but always be ready to be surprised. People have a knack for doing an awful lot of growing.
Beyond that? Acknowledge yourself. Acknowledge your friends. Be a present gift. Be observant. Be attentive. Be honest, and willing to say no. Hold fast to your standard, but never mistake it for expectation. Be wary of jaded judgements or the context of your past clouding your present. Know yourself and be willing to accept that no relationship is perfect, not even the one you have with yourself.
Once the investment in yourself has been made, finding 'good' friends really isn't as complicated as it often seems. People have an uncanny gift for drawing in the things they want but, again, the importance of knowing yourself cannot be understated. If you're not aware of who you are then how can you be aware of what it is that you are projecting out into the universe around you? In essence, the person you know is the person you project. The person you project, if a stranger to you, is likely not going to draw you in the kinds and types of people you would want to meet.
Be confidant and humble about that person too. Yes, accept that who you are is good, so long as that who is the who you want to be in the present. Understand that you owe the good life you lead, which is a guarantee if you're being who you are, is something that you are responsible for bringing to yourself. Don't take it for granted, don't ignore it if it's not what you want, don't blame shift.
You are the lowest common denominator of your own existence. You are the thing to which all other things in your life are related. You are, in every situation, in some way, responsible for how you have ended up and what has happened to you. That needs to be owned and accepted, in both positive and negative lights, as often as possible. Reflect on your life, see if it's bringing you where you want to go, see if you're helping yourself to get there, and understand where you need to do some work. Be willing to accept that you are not perfect, but never surrender to the notion that you're not capable. Strive always for better, and give yourself quarter only when reasonable. Don't cheat yourself out of the person you could become, just because it's easier.
Now, personally, I find that applying these same values to friendships (or any relationship really) is really the best way to ensure a positive, stable, and happy rapport. Tell people you like them, or love them, or appreciate them, and tell them why. Tell your friend you really love the way she carries herself with an unabashed panache, or your server that she's so on the ball with her drink suggestions and you really appreciate it. Tell your lover why you love them, tell your friends how important their friendship is to you, but never neglect the why.
The 'Why' of the matter is where we find the honest humility in who we are. It's an acknowledgement of values, placed raw and laid bare, because it needs to be done. It's a respect shown, with zero expectation of return -- and never a harsh word spoken against the understood standard. It's what keeps us grounded in who we are, because we know why we think what we think and are willing to ask the question during the occasional personal review of ourselves. It is the question that makes us both great and small, and reminds us that it's important not to be in the way of our own why. Life is too short for that kind of betrayal.
So answer the why, of 'Why am I a good friend?' and be honest with yourself. Tell yourself the truth about the values you uphold as sacred in that bond, and never shy away from stating them. Tell people when they meet them, that you appreciate it. Tell people when you feel they've overstepped or mistreated a situation. Be fair, listen to be equal, and take great care when forming conclusions without first having a discussion. You might miss something wonderful, just because you were too caught up to be on the level. Don't be petty, don't rely on third party information. Be direct. Be responsible for the friendship, because that's the only way to prove it means anything to you at all.
So what does it mean to be a friend? I can't answer that specifically, because the answer is uniquely intimate to the person asking the question. You need to know your values and represent them accordingly. You need to be honest with yourself your wants and desires from the interactions you share, and you need to be willing to establish a generally unwavering standard on that position. When someone shows themselves to you, believe them -- but always be ready to be surprised. People have a knack for doing an awful lot of growing.
Beyond that? Acknowledge yourself. Acknowledge your friends. Be a present gift. Be observant. Be attentive. Be honest, and willing to say no. Hold fast to your standard, but never mistake it for expectation. Be wary of jaded judgements or the context of your past clouding your present. Know yourself and be willing to accept that no relationship is perfect, not even the one you have with yourself.
