Know your Drugs, Know Your Doses.

Know your Drugs, Know your Doses:
A cautionary tale about all the chemicals inside your head.

 The morning often comes as a pointed reminder of existence. It's where the debts of yesterday come due and we've often got no choice to pay them. Sometimes, this isn't at all a bad thing. Perhaps you've had a productive yesterday, perhaps you've fallen asleep in the arms of a wife you've made happy, maybe you finished a paper and, though you're waking up dog tired and wrung out, you can at least put the feather of accomplishment in your hat. Sometimes you're waking up, cursing the myriad of things you decided to pour into your head as you go stumbling in the shower. Sometimes you swear up and down you'll never do what you did again. Sometimes you decide to tip the whiskey bottle into the brown sludge that is your morning coffee and start the whole day over again -- because it was just that good.

Whatever you've done with your yesterday, whatever you're going to do with your today or your tomorrow, you've got that moment to take stock of the balance on your account. How's it feel? Where are you headed? What was it in that moment of past that put you where you were? What is it about where you're going that makes it where you want to be? Why is it, exactly, that you white knuckled the glasses last night? What about those eyes you stared into made you willing to sit there for hours? Were you cramming in your words into the witching hours because the pains of procrastination had robbed you of the opportunity to do something you'd rather be doing? Be honest with that moment and God help you if you don't. That kind of lie is the thing that's going to haunt you for so long as you try and avoid it.

Maybe you've done that. Maybe you're a line-toting teetotaler,  or maybe you're some bare knuckled loon, sucking down every last drop of emotion you think you can get your hands on. Maybe still, and worse yet, you're the type who cares not for the edge, because you regard your head as a shell for your consciousness. Or maybe you're the kind of jeering peacock who thinks all their best traits only shine after you've gotten your hands on some kind of bright coloring for yourself. Maybe you're taking your drugs because you like the way they make you feel, or because it makes it easier to be "you". Whatever you are and wherever you fall on the spectrum, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that you're being real about what's going on inside your head.

It's here that I'd like to take a bit of a pause, to make something nice and clear, and avoid coming across to some of you like a slack-jawed hypocrite.

I have mad habits, which are hardly limited to the fact that I smoke cigarettes whilst listening to loud music, believe in being brutally honest, or drink Gin in foggy glasses, that I wouldn't advocate to most people. They're my vices, and I've studied them enough to know how to handle them.  I'm aware of my doses. I know my limits, and I know when I can push them. This is because I've sat down and been real with how far I can go, where my edge is, and what happens when I go over it. I know the dues I pay for the cigarettes I smoke. I know the tax I'm going to get for the drinks I pour. I know the creak and rattle that sometimes show up in my head are due to decisions  made long ago, where the fees are still pounding on the door like a bill collector who Sunlights as census taker.

In short, and to be somewhat titular, I know my Drugs, I know my Doses. I've taken the time to consider what I do and why I do it. I keep the car well maintained and tended so that, if the moment comes where I'm speeding toward an edge I do not want, the brakes still work and everybody gets to walk away with little more than an affirmation of life. I know why I take them, I know what I want to get out of them, and I'm completely uncompromising in my hold of the wheel. It's an important understanding when dealing with drugs, and it brings us to the point of what matters when you're looking at them.
 
What matters is the reasoning for your motivation. What's bringing you to dose yourself? What's making you not? Maybe you've walked away, maybe you picked up a shovel, dug a hole, and filled it with everything you could get your hands on. Maybe, in some vain hope of finding substance in the triviality, you've convinced yourself that this is the way forward. Maybe you're not interesting without it. Maybe it's the only way you can create, or function, or make it through the day. Maybe you've never touched drugs -- a fact which I very much doubt for reasons we'll get to in a moment --  It's the why of the drugs you take, and it's those drugs I want to get serious with for a moment.

I'd go out on a limb and assume that this is taken as some discussion about the various forms of alcohol, pills and other such unmentionables, and about how people use them. It's no secret that I drink, or that I've suffered the response to poor life choices and the staggering headache that is biting off more than you can chew. Nobody's here to deny or debate that Heroin is going to damage to your life, or that Marijuana's no less harmful than anything else you might choose. I'm not here to tell you that you should, or should not drink. I'm not going to advocate smoking, I'm not going to tell you to go hunting down whatever you're curious about either. This is your life, these are your choices. You're not being judged for these choice but they're not what we're talking about here either.

The way your face hurts from laughing too long at a moment when you just couldn't help yourself? That's a happiness hangover. That rush you of delight and world lifting joy you feel post orgasm? Drugs. That hopeless feeling you get when you're tasting a bitter spoonful of loss? That too, is a drug. It's a framed perspective on reality that, though it might not help you, might just give you a new way of looking at yourself. It's not every day we think about our emotions or our thoughts as drugs but, when you think about it, that's exactly what they are at the end of it all.

Dopamine, Serotonin, and the horde of other neurotransmitters? They're cues and responses our brains cook up in response to a situation. It's no different than the way your head takes to spinning after one too many hits from the Tequila bottle, or the way you find the volume of everything turned down when you've washed down your handful of daily prescriptions. They're chemicals that change the way you think, alter the way you feel, and change the way you see the world. They're the host to many of our emotional responses and the medium by which we react to them.

It's these drugs, one like sadness, happiness, love, and so on, that we need to be the most aware of really. They're the things that will come about regardless of your extracurricular activities or what you get up to in your late night hours. Life will happen to you, it'll impact you, and it'll spoon food you these drugs to convince you of all manner of nonsense. You'll see the world through a fog that's ten times worse than anything you could even imagine when you hear the phrase 'bad acid trip', you'll believe things that are hopeless and impossible, and all manner of reason and logic will be abandoned like a car that died on a logging road hours from anywhere worth mentioning.

Say you just got out of a relationship or you just found yourself hopelessly falling in love. We've all been there, and it's an easy example to use as a baseline (especially today). Think about it. Where has it gone wrong? Where has it gone right? Are these honest responses to where you're at? Look at the happy couples who've made promises for the long haul and the thick and thin, and look at the ones who've fallen flat on those vows. It seems to me that the predominant difference between column A, the ones who made it, and column B, the ones who didn't, is pretty clear. Someone was honest about the drugs they felt, separated themselves from it, and made a decision, and someone got caught up in the addiction and didn't see it coming.

This model is applicable far outside of the affairs of love, as I've said. Every emotion, especially the ones that feel intense, overwhelming, or perfect in every way, really falls under that banner. It's a drug you're getting in response to a stimuli. It's not a whole lot different than sticking that rolled up dollar bill up your nose, of chewing on a bit of cactus really. You're not going to be any more rational or forward thinking unless you can be honest with it and, if you ever forget that you're on drugs? Well, that's it, life as you know it is over. You've hit the crossroads where it's all going to change -- and that's not at all a bad thing.

Being honest with yourself about the fact that your own drugs becomes the easiest way to handle their effects (we'll get to the other side of that coin in a bit). This truth is Universal when talking about all of them, from the endogenous ones to the ones cooked up in dirty basements by people you wouldn't even think about talking to at a party. If you don't like the way an event makes you feel, just like if you don't like the way you behave when you're drinking? Stop subjecting yourself to it. Get a grip on your bootstraps and pull yourself away from it. Stop doing the drugs you don't like and stop putting your brain in situations where it's got no choice but to be flooded with them.

As an example: You feel like you're no good because all you can do is follow the draw of unattainable people? That's the drug of insecurity.  It's your brain setting you up to sabotage you because of how you see your own sense of worth. Sure, there's the argument here that maybe you should consider therapy or counseling, but what about the simple idea that you're just on drugs? What you're telling yourself is not a thing there is any reason for you to believe. Do you know the object of your affection is beyond your reach? Have you asked him/her? Have you taken your concept of reality and put it to the ultimate test? If you haven't, you've got to remember that you are just on drugs and due to said drug your perception of reality might be entirely skewed. Don't listen to the drug. Talk to them anyway. If it turns out the drug was telling you the truth? That's unfortunate for you and now you've got to pick yourself up, clean the egg off your lapels, and get right back out there.

As another: If you feel like you're capable of anything, are entirely desirable, and can have whatever you want. Welcome to the spiraling drug of Ego. Ego, in particular, is a dangerous one. It possesses and impossible power for convincing you the world is exactly the way you see it. This is almost never the case and that's simple fact. You can't see the world from any eyes other than your own, it doesn't matter how good your empathy is, and there's no way to know all the details of everything everyone around you might be thinking -- especially when you have no idea what drugs they're taking too.

Another of the dangers of the Ego-Drug is that it's so useful. That white rush of confidence? The belief of indestructibility, that everything is right in the world? It's this same rush that junkies of all shapes and sizes have been chasing since we figured out how to get high. When you find yourself in that position it's vital that you take a step back, remind yourself that you're on drugs, and re-examine where you've found yourself. Are you being genuine in your ambition, or are you just some doped up bull charging forth in a stream of vomit and broken china? How is your sense of indestructibility affecting those around you? What effect will it have on those you leave behind?

Again, know your drugs, know what effect they have on you. Keep an eye on them, keep an eye on yourself when you're on them. Do you like the way you act? Do you like the decisions you make? Does the drug your on bring you a real sense of satisfaction, or is that just the drug whispering in your ear? Take as much time with this question as you're able with this question. As a further element of caution, and in keeping with the overall themes here, be honest with this question.

Lying, especially to the self, is the sweeping craze of the streets these days. It's the designer drug that can make you feel like whatever you think you need to feel like and, just like sticking needles in your arm or taking that last hit of Acid that sends your sanity spiraling off the deep end, it can lead your life down a dark road of ruin. When you're on drugs, emotions or otherwise, things get serious. You can't afford to fuck around with yourself, and you sure as hell can't think you can control it. It's where the importance of knowing your drugs and your doses comes from. If you can't rationally argue to yourself that you're on drugs and what you're thinking might not be the best idea? Seek help, immediately.

You've got to put the breaks on  that kind of thing at once. Sometimes it really is as simple as sleeping it off is the best an easiest approach here, and it's my primary advice. When you feel like you've hit that wall, check out. Punch your time card, get out of where ever you are, put your head down, and let it go. Often times that check will give you time to recalibrate and come back to reality.  You're still going to have to make  a decision though and, as a veteran of many an emotion, there is nothing worse than being locked in a drug induced prison of indecision. This will inevitably lead to a white panic, but don't worry. You're going to be all right, just remember, you're just on Drugs. Think about how big a dose you're handing yourself, and figure out how to hold it together.

The silver lining though? It's no defense for poor decision making, it doesn't matter if you're talking about drugs or emotions, but you are just on drugs. The best defense you're going to get is a plea of temporary insanity, and that's not a thing you want in your everyday life. I'll even be honest and suggest that, sometimes, that's a fun place to be. When you just let yourself go, indulging in the biggest overload of the good life you can? I can't say that sort of hedonism doesn't have value, and that's totally giving into the drugs of emotions. But it's a dangerous wave to ride, and not too different from play Russian Roulette.

The wave, as it were, is another example of the importance of stepping back and taking another look is so important. Is it really the good life? What is it comprised of? What makes it good? What are you doing to sustain it? It's easy, when feeling like you're on top of the world, to overlook things. It's easy to forget that calm is an emotion, a drug if you will, and deserves just as much of a look as any other. Sometimes this look, especially if you're smack dab in the middle of a peak, will be traumatic. You will find that everything you once saw so clearly is suddenly not so. The horrific monster you've just seen while tripping off your own emotions? Don't be surprised if that becomes some unpleasant revelation truly comes when you realize something about yourself that you don't like. As a wise friend of mine once said "Meeting yourself is one of the most awesome and terrifying things you will ever do."

But, again, remember: You're just on Drugs.

It's not an excuse to act foolish, but you will. It's not an excuse to leave yourself indecisive to the point of misery, but you will. Emotions are powerful drugs that can become crippling addictive. They're the vice no human can escape from, and the thing we're all doomed to wrestle with until we ramble on to whatever is next.  Sometimes they'll freeze you in your tracks and make it impossible to move. That's okay. Everyone who's taken Emotions  has been there. Don't kick yourself because it happens to you, it happens to everyone, or at least everyone who cares about where they're going. It's being wary of the greener grass, making sure it's not just AstroTurf. It's looking at what's around you and why it's so good. It's being honest about the fact that you're always on drugs, and figuring out how to nail down the ones you want and how you're going to get there. It's about the moderation in all things, even in moderation. Don't be afraid of the good time, but stop thinking you're not worth it too.

You're going to miss out on some good times, you're going to get stuck in some bad ones. You're going to get fucked up from time to time, by nothing but your own head. Even if -- nix that -- Especially if you don't think this could happen to you, you're wrong. You won't know where to go or what to do, but, really it's going to be okay. You've got to find your way back to the ground, figure out where you want to go, and maybe calm down a little bit, but I promise it's true. You might be caught in some weird fever, but you can come out of it. The drugs will wear off, and there's all kinds of people out there who stumble through it just as badly. There are people out there who can help, including you. Don't try to deny you're out there. We're all out there.

To bring the point back home, that's why you've got to know your drugs and know your doses. Know what you can handle when you sit down. Draft up you're boundaries, but don't be afraid to flex them from time to time. Be reasonable with yourself and be honest about what you've done. Accept that you will do stupid things for no acceptable reason, but know that your value isn't determined just by what you didn't do right. Be wary of building yourself cages with your own feelings, and cultivate friendships that will be there when you cry for legitimate help. Get stupid with laughter, keep yourself from getting stupid with sabotage. Drink deep the nectar of the good life, but remember it's got it's tax too, and never, ever, forget the important one.

No matter what you're feeling? You're just on drugs, and sometimes that's exactly where you need to be.