Shit

Celebrating yet another successful revolution around the Sun

See Also: Things not to ignore, forget, or take for granted ever.

This last weekend I had a birthday. I'd say it wasn't much of a party, but we all know that's not at all true. In a way that should come as no surprise to anyone, the day was rung in the same way it was wrung out.  Language barriers were broken and resurrected, people offered false well wishes as well as genuine ones. There were drinks aplenty. Some might even argue too plenty -- I make it a point never to ask those people so I couldn't say for sure -- and then there were truths both told and shown. There was food and film, conversational ingestion, and the whole thing got rounded out by a grass roots movement back to some honest ground. It was just the kind of thing one could expect after thirty ones years of a hallowed and holy existence and, as should come as no surprise at all, the whole thing washed out in a puddle of vomited leftovers somewhere on the back lawn near the piles of dog shit left as obedient presents. All in all, I'd call it a good party, a real good party, and the big one hasn't even happened yet. It was the solid reminder of all things right and true, all things believed and convincing, all things I want and celebrate, from the drinks right down to the dog shit.

So. I did it. I went around the sun again, which likely comes as an unfortunate surprise to some of you out there and equally as pleasant of one to far fewer. What, though, does that really mean? What have I done in the last year? Where have I been that I no longer am not? Where am I going? What am I celebrating? What's different? These are the questions that dogged me well into the waking hours of a hangover. They were the unflinching questions posed as I sat down to read the words of long dead poets; the words that fell down around dragged feet as I sat in a chair outside, curled up on a couch, ate and then purged myself of a long drowning sickness. They were the things I understood, fundamentally, that I had celebrated -- the questions that is -- and they're the things that filled me with an honest sense of self loathing powerful enough to fill a toilet bowl multiple times over.

And that, is, precisely, the point.

I didn't just survive another year around the sun, I celebrated it. I waded into its passing daily, I embraced it as it came and went. I looked forward through it as it passed through me into the rear view. I absorbed it as easily as I let it go. It sounds a bit arrogant, and perhaps a bit like I'm full of shit -- shit's probably going to be a common reference here, so pay attention -- but that was the understanding that was most strongly reinforced:

Perspective is nine tenths of the law, and not even the truth is exempt from it.

That's the meat of it and, subsequently, the shit all at the same time. It's what makes self perception one of the most dangerous things there is for a mind, and what makes self honesty so damn painful. It's the breakdown of the senses, the untangling of the massive weaves of bullshit -- see, I told you shit would be a them here -- and it's a fundamental requirement in living any kind of life you honestly expect to be happy with at all. Who you are, the life you lead, is ultimately how you perceive yourself to be and is only really ever called into question in two instances, which we'll get into here and now.

Instance number one. You question it yourself. This is good. It's a healthy process, it's important, and it's really the only way to know if where you are is where you want to be in life. It's asking yourself the questions of "Do I appear as I intend?" and "Is how I see myself the way I am or the way I wish I was?" There are others, to be certain, but these two seem to be the most pointed. They're not the same questions either, despite how they might look and easily be answer in much the same fashion, and both should always be answered honestly. The bottom line for this one is simple: If you lie to yourself when you ask yourself questions your answers will always be...say it with me now...Shit.

Lets assume, because frankly I'm a fucking optimist and it's what I want to believe, that you don't lie. Let us assume that you carry on with the truth, sit down in front of yourself and with yourself, and measure up your own behavior toward your actual goals. First of all, good for you. You got the hard part done right and maybe, just maybe, you did it without any kind of pandering or hand holding. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Don't get too comfortable though, the shit show is just beginning.

If you appear as you intend, if the way you see yourself is honest and can stand up to all scrutiny, celebrate that. Don't take it for granted, don't neglect it, and don't ignore it because, if you do, there is a very reasonable chance you might never be able to change it. If it doesn't change, if it can't change, then it's going to die and turn to, you guessed it, shit. That's the important part. Be flexible in your own perceptions and allow them to be challenged. Don't ever think you've ever got it, or yourself, all figured out. You don't. You probably never will. It would be a good idea to sit down and get comfortable with that fact, but don't you dare use it as excuse to sit there and not try. That's shitty.

Relative to this point is the understanding that you will always see a way in yourself in which you did, do, had done, or will do, something other than what you want, wanted, wished, or would have liked. That's normal. It's the swift kick in the shin that perspective will bring ninety-nine percent of the time. If you're not paying close attention, if you're not staying on the ball with this honesty, that kick may very will drop you into your own shit face down and continue kicking you mercilessly. If you enjoy this process? Seek professional help from a different Doctor. I don't have the kind of medicine you need and will turn off the open sign at once when I see you coming. Take that into consideration when dealing with point two.

It's really easy to convince yourself that the way you behave is the way you want to be seen. It's easy to say "This will get me where I want to go" -- which is an utterly useless sentiment if you haven't figured out where you want to go, by the way -- but is it really true? If you really sit down and can't find a single moment in your decisions where what you say might not be suspect to your own folly of arrogance, you're probably wrong. I know, that's some shit to hear, but you probably are very wrong. 

There are very few genuine questionings that ever end in black and white answers. The blacks and whites, the 'good idea' and 'bad idea' process respectively, is entirely tempered by your perception of events and, one would hope, the path of least resistance towards what you consider your goals to be. The very notion of being unwilling to consider that your self-perception is inaccurate starts a process process where convincing becomes easier than feeling (Before you ask, no, easier is not always the path of least resistance) and that willful clinging to an out-dated ideal sinks the whole ship. It's why maintaining an unwavering position of the self is doomed the moment you accept it. It'll leave you stuck, ankle deep, in a pool of your own shit, begging for a way out you couldn't see even if it was right in front of you, and all because it didn't fit with your ideas.

Don't do that to yourself. Don't let yourself get stuck in a rut of dishonesty and answers that you wish were true over ones that are, in fact, true.